this young skinny white dude has thin wrists and a shaved head. he’s back. he was here earlier. he’s very young and unemployed. there is something unusual and
gross about him. i would like to get to know him. there’s a chance i will. i’ve seen him on occasions. he got into a sinister cheap black vehicle earlier. he smokes. he has a cigarette in his left ear. i hope amanda doesn’t sue me for writing about her. her parents shamed her when they raised her. it’s probably the reason for her migraines. she does the same to me when she is disappointed in me and wants me to feel bad about myself. i posted a story on facebook about amanda and alexis. i hope alexis doesn’t shoot me in the dick if she reads what i wrote about her. i love her like a dear friend even though i write cruelly about her now and then. i don’t think she cares what i write. she doesn’t really care what others think about her. her lover i wrote about is also on facebook. i’m curious to see what happens. i think they will ignore it. no one reads my shit. they know i’m dying for attention. amanda will read it. she can’t help herself. she cares what others think about her. she wants to be famous like her boss spencer. she more than anyone deserves to be written about because she has loved me more than anyone else in the most economical manner. she has micromanaged her love for me. whenever i disappoint her in the few days i spend with her every fifteen days she withdraws into her work and her role as a mother. she thinks the pigeons, she calls the women i have helped with money pigeons, want to have what she has, a good job and a family. i look for my family with the misbegotten. she’s unable to see beyond her upper middle class life style. i wonder what would happen if she sues me. it wouldn’t be criminal. we haven’t done anything criminal to each other. we didn’t  love each other enough for it to be criminal. amanda mocks me for how she is my only reader. the best thing to do with a dick like myself is to ignore me. don’t give me any likes. i need to be ignored. to like me or to support me is to enable me. any mental professional will tell you so.
i’ve always been a loner. it’s not that i don’t need anyone. i want to belong as much as the next person. my therapist who is proud to be a square probably thinks that i’m stuck in a childhood phase that i haven’t yet outgrown, sometimes he talks to me like i’m a child. my mother was a loner. alexis who channels my mother is one. we never belong to a group, not for long. we want to see how far out we can go to get power. like alexis said i can’t hold my breath for long. i forget to breathe. we are still children. it never ceases to amaze me how middle aged women like amanda with children drop me after i have given them my soul. they all have been in marriages where they have been starved by cold and demanding husbands. they don’t value what i have to give. they want security and order. they don’t want the irrational or love. they can’t afford to love aimlessly. they have to rebuild the family. they are looking for a man to be a father to their children. this has been my experience so far with the middle aged women i have been with. i think amanda has hurt me the most. she has supported me with her friends and her family. i have felt their warmth. i have also felt how cold they are. how easy they drop me because i’m not one of them and i don’t do what they want me to do.