M’s former husband is a librarian. He looks at porn of underage girls having sex with a dude who uses a video camera to film them and of women getting gang raped in a van. M thinks her ex was reenacting the rape scenes when he had sex with her. He started a poetry group and the members kicked him out of it. She thinks he has written a handful of good poems. I felt bad for the guy because he survived cancer as a child and talks about it to everyone he meets.
M signed a contract to have her book published she wrote five years ago. It’s about hippie children banding together to survive their hippie parents’ aberrant behaviour. The parents followed the hippie credo that if it feels right you should do it. This credo included sleeping with children in certain hippie factions.
M had to raise herself much like myself. I immediately felt a bond with her because of this.
I think now that M is going to be a published author she is taking herself seriously and doesn’t want to involve herself with a rake like myself.
I wonder if M has been called in to her work. She cuts out eyeballs of tepid dead bodies. I think she does it because of her past and incest. Every time she removes the eyeballs she denudes the man that violated her.They call her five hours after the body has been dead. I want to learn more about it. I don’t remember if it perturbed me when she told me about it. She was reluctant to disclose it but she needed to tell me as women with incest/rape histories have a need to tell me about their pain. I think I make the pain go away for a moment because I’m open to listening to them.
M was an asshole and I disrespected myself not to lose her.
I’m hurt. M pinched my nipple thoughtfully and tenderly and won’t be doing it ever again. She can protect me from myself and the bad mean thoughts that want me to
hurt everything I love.
Is this more Paulus being angry and mean she said.
yeah I said.
The word mean is a word that another penitent alcoholic used. It is something they are familiar with. It is about not losing self respect. If there is one thing a recovering alcoholic hates it is losing self respect. They have had black outs and have been told about the mean shit they did they couldn’t remember. They want to make everything right when they hurt someone. The smallest misstep can lead to hell.
Is it a woman I said.
No M said. I’m interested in men. I’m always more drawn to men.
You’re weird, M said. In a very good way.
No I’m boring, I said. You’re the interesting one.
M met someone in the week that I was supposed to see her for the second time she wants to be exclusive with.
You don’t have to make things right with folks, I said. You can be a dick and not care what someone thinks about you. I actually encourage it.