Make it your bitch, S said.
Yeah, I said.
S made a friend in prison. They were similar and not similar. S refused to
shave in prison. She didn’t care what the guards saw when she cleaned herself.
S’s body is different from other women’s bodies, there is an unusual strength and elegance in her length.

Did you hurt her, S said.
Yeah, I hurt her, I said.

S is an alcoholic who drinks. For her it is a matter of containing the disease. It’s unclear to me if it is a disease that can be contained. S was sober for ten years after she drove her car off a cliff. There were two other passengers in the vehicle.
As a wine taster S spits out what can kill her.

My doc thinks alcoholism has to do mostly with genetics, but then he is a neurologist more so than a psychologist.

Do you want to be my baby, S said.
Yes, I said.
Please, S said.
Yeah, I said.
Please Please Please, S said.
Yes Yes Yes, I said.
Do you want to be my baby, S said.

S looks younger than 42. Sometimes she looks like a teenage boy. When I look carefully I can see the lines in between the mouth and nose and under the eyes.
And then I’m hammered by her great looks, nostalgia and the scar below her lower lip from the car crash and I feel the hope that only beauty can give.

Do you want me baby, S said.
Yeah, I said.
Please Please, S said.
I want to be your baby, S said.
Forget about that other woman, S said.
Yeah, I said.

We sat under a large tree in the shade in Laurelhurst park. The sun was powerful. Everyone was out to be with nature. A baby in a diaper followed a father in black jeans.
We drank Pinot Blanc in paper cups and ate goat cheese and pepperoni.

I say fuck this shit, I said. And then I say I need you more than anything else in the world.
Yeah, S said. I have abandonment issues like you. I know how to handle it. I process it.
S is the third woman alcoholic I have met. They each used the word process. Alcoholics have different ways of coping with their disease. Some adhere religiously to AA and talk about honesty as if they never had known about it and had been introduced to it by AA. Some take AA with a large grain of salt. Others drink themselves to death.

S has decided to be a Sommelier which is not recommended when you are an alcoholic but I see the genius in it.
Why not celebrate what can kill you? And make it your life to appreciate it.

I have a living problem, S said.
Make it your bitch, S said.
Yeah, I said.

I walk, I said. I don’t drive
why don’t you drive, S said.
The Brazilian poet what’s his name didn’t drive, I said.
My car is my freedom, S said.
I have been working on myself, S said. I read self help books.

Two inelegant drunks talk shit at Renner’s Grill:
He flunked his drunk test, said the drunk with the moustache and heavy eyes.
Clown, said the bald drunk.
What do I have to do, said the drunk with the moustache and heavy eyes.
Just carry it forward, the bald drunk said. No backward shit. We can square this.
The remote place is the desert, not Montana, the bald drunk said. I can’t take
my wife. I can’t do it.
I’m celibate, the drunk with the moustache and heavy eyes said.
You know I have to drive for 40 minutes before I meet a neighbor’s house.
Hey contain your sex baby, said the drunk with the moustache and heavy eyes.
Don’t respond to him, said the bald drunk.
If I don’t respond he gets louder, said the babe.
Nothing wrong with being celibate, said the bald drunk.
Maybe I’m jaded, said the drunk with the moustache and the heavy eyes.

Did you hurt her, S said.
Yeah, It’s what I do, I said.

I saw S for two nights. I won’t see her for two days depending on how she feels after she day drinks. I may not see her for months.
The two days were for establishing a rapport. Now that she thinks we have it I may not see her. She has to process. She is processing. It can be a year before she is done
processing our two days and two nights. I thought I was careful not to say anything that would hurt her sensitivity. She asked me if I hurt other women. I eluded her question. I said I hurt women.
S had hash browns and eggs. The waitress was very skinny and I wanted to think about her egg white skin. She was very nice.
S finds something she likes about a person and applauds it. She stops when she sees something she likes and laughs about it for awhile. She forgets she is with me or with the world. This is a vulgarity that I’m not used to seeing in a woman and it makes me anxious. I feel like a child that is supervised by an out of control parent. I don’t welcome it but I should.
It is like the living in the armpit of California, S said.
Shut up, S said. Your’e an asshole, S said. Yes, I said. I like it when you call me an asshole, I said. Don’t placate me, S said. You’re an asshole, S said. I said something to throw off her rhythm. Don’t placate me you motherfucker asshole, S said.Thanks for calling me out, S said.You are teaching me how to love you, I said. Yes, she said. You see something I have that you need, I said. Shut up, she said. I’m not an asshole, S said. Oh no you’re not an asshole, I said. I would never think that you are one, I said. You are wanting to live and tomorrow you are wanting to survive and that doesn’t include me, I said. It is your time to work on yourself and to earn. You can see that I’m sad and scared and that it has to do with not earning and winning and you can see that I’m afraid for myself and of myself because I’m not earning and winning.
S the alcoholic drinks a whisky and a half bottle of Pinot Blanc. She’s the woman who is middle age and young at heart.
S spends her day in bed masturbating to porn when she has used herself up serving  charcuterie and she can’t think anymore nor feel her body.
Shut up, S said. You’re an asshole, you are gorgeous. I want you to be my baby.
Do you want to be my baby please please please.
Yes I want, I said.