i feel like pessoa’s bookkeeper who lives with and without hope. the green trees keep one eye closed in a breeze. i’m not that scared. they wanted to take me to the emergency room when they checked my bp(blood pressure) five years ago. april the doc at zoom care said there was a risk in not having me as an in-patient. i guess they can’t help me if i get a heart attack. i don’t want to have to stay for an extended stay in a hospital while they figure out how to lower my bp. april gave me the symptoms for a heart attack. she told me to call 911 if i have a painful vibration in my arms or chest or my speech is slurred. i did very poorly on my eye exam. you must have noticed the bp has affected your sight, april said. i wear glasses, i said. i didn’t know that, april said. i’ll have z do your eye exam again with your glasses on. if my eyesight with glasses is as bad as it is without glasses i would bring myself to the emergency room. april thinks from having looked at my urine that the bp has started to affect my kidneys. the doc i saw five years ago gave me medication. one of them made me pee often and made me feel cold internally. i simply decided to stop taking the medications. i felt they would do more damage than good. it was a dumb move. i’m surprised my ex didn’t say anything knowing how high my bp was. i think she had stopped caring about me by then. she was already thinking about a life without me. april has red hair and very light blue eyes and pallid skin. she talked to me casually as if we shared the same outlook. i scare when someone else is scared for me. she wrote a script for two medications. one for the bp and the other to protect my kidneys from the bp medication. i took off my denim shirt. i felt good about my chest and shoulders. i’m not going to die. i lived five years with my bp and no medication. i think i can live another five. i think my bp has to do with my genes. for the time being i’m not drinking juice or soda, only sparkling water. z efficiently drew my blood. she had me squeeze my fist and put it under my right elbow.