Last night in the wind and intermittent downpour I went back to Holgate to get my glasses. J said that I could do what I wanted to her. I didn’t know what to do. It felt good to pull at her hair when I last saw her. I walked her around the room by her hair. Her hair was thinner than I thought. It scared me. I didn’t want to get attached to her because I felt ashamed and indecisive. It felt like I was
dragging her and it made no sense. I had no idea why I was doing it. I let go of her
before I did something I would regret. She played with her pathetic fifty year old breasts.
Are you in your head, J said.
I’m not a bad person I said.
You’re a shit clown J said. Kiss me.
J said that she had been sitting on my face for an hour and it had only been for twenty minutes. I gave her what money I had to give.
J was the worst kisser. She opened her mouth like it was going to be looked at
by a dentist. There was nothing in it like she had swallowed her tongue out of contempt.

A said she was coming over at one o’clock. I believe that she will.
She still hasn’t arrived. She took 200mg of Thorazine a couple of hours ago. Earlier
she said she fell asleep on the couch. She cancelled our last meeting.
I think she will do the same no,w but it is too early to tell.
A said she wants to sleep on the couch if she is very tired.
She can sleep in my bed, maybe she doesn’t want to. She said that she is
ADHD which could explain her changing her mind as often as she does.
One moment she is going to use and abuse me and the next she accuses me of
using her to get off and not caring about her person.
I’m partial to de-centered difficult women who test my mettle. I’m not sure my disposition can manage it after my divorce, but I certainly need it.
A called me by my father’s name which is questionable. I will have to correct her
if she does it again.
A had to take her dog out. She is on her way here to my place with its thin
I don’t know what vehicle A has. She wouldn’t clarify. What does it matter?
I don’t even drive.
A has insomnia. I hope she isn’t too drugged out when she is here. I don’t think she likes to be alone when she is exhausted from no sleep.
A makes her own hours like myself. I went to bed at seven in the morning yesterday.
A good mindless walk over the burnside bridge to China town and the Pearl district to get a new pair of black glasses for 390 dollars was helpful.
This is the second time this week that I have waited for a woman to reach my door.
I am coming A texted. I have no agenda.
Im terrified. A woman without expectations is an infinite gaping vagina at your door.
I have seen professional bondage pics of her in all kinds of tied up positions. When she is untied the pain that shoots into her limbs is excruciating. Ostensibly she can escape from most every knot. She has high cheek bones and a wide sculpted jaw and large winsome mascaraed blue Irish German American eyes.
A hates it that men only want her to play with. It’s always let’s play together A said.
I’m not real to you either, A said.
I would fall in love with A very fast if she chastised me even though it isn’t real.
You fall for the fantasy, A said.
It feels so damned real and I get suicidal because it can’t exist.

A has a non romantic sexualized relationship with a vanilla man who has a big cock that is functional. I won’t have to worry about performing for her.
A’s vehicle careened on the curb. Is that you, A said.
Yeah, I said.
I couldn’t see the numbers, A said.
A yawned, something she did throughout the night. She snores like a grunting animal, emitting powerful burst of air and choking on it.
I gave A a tall boy Budweiser.
What do you think of the upper class, I said.
They want to fuck me, A said. They think they are entitled to have sex with me after
a nice meal.
A doesn’t believe in entitlement.
I like the middle class man, A said. He takes you out to dinner hopes he can sleep with you, but doesn’t expect it.
I’m not easy to handle in life, A said.
I can see that, I said.
I like difficult women, I said.
A has large strong hands and feet.
We went to the bedroom after two hours of drinking Budweiser beer and peeing.