a is back from san francisco. she had to do a fundraiser. she gave an introduction.
i have no idea what to do. i’m having a cookie. what is there to say? a arrived. she waved high and first went to get a coffee. i wonder if she noticed the attractive woman seated in front of me. i saw that she wasn’t as attractive as i thought she was when i looked at her a second time. i have ink stains from a blue pen that leaked on my brown cut off jeans.
my heart beat is irregular.
proust didn’t want albertine, i said. she only gave him pain. he didn’t want anyone else to have her.
does that have something to do with us, amanda said.
no, i said.
you look at me so lovingly, i said. i feel the same way about amanda. i can feel very devoted to her. i thought about medea who killed her children to punish jason.
did you read medea i said. no amanda said.
i hate to think that we punish our children unconsciously because we hate our ex. somedays i think we are capable of anything and other days i think we are not only self serving.
a is doing well. she wants to do better. she has to do better to
succeed. she doesn’t care too much if they don’t give her what she wants. she values herself. she has to raise funds to pay for her salary. it is very hard work to make the monies for the organization and her salary. as far as i know, if a makes more money than the organization needs for the year she doesn’t add it to her money.
a is going to be in a photo shoot. an article she wrote about a woman farmer is giving the organization and herself attention. i’m not getting any attention. it can fuck with my confidence. i want to give a myself when a does well. do i want to take away the power she accrues? i don’t feel jealous. i do write about her. in this way i’m a vampire. i thought about the movie i saw about the french serial killer 1 who killed young energetic women he hated for having more vitality than himself. i read about him on line. he was more faceted and intelligent than the film said he was. they presented him as a monster who was running from his humanity in not taking responsibility for his crimes. the system took his name from him. it reminded me of my mother when she wanted me to change my last name because she thought my father was a criminal. i also thought about the documentary about anthony wiener who had a compulsion that undermined his family and career. it seemed to me that as successful as mr. wiener was he wasn’t able to deal with his wife having the grand success that she had. i wanted to tell amanda about both films but i forgot to tell her as i usually do when i’m with her.
men have fragile egos, amanda said.
i couldn’t agree with her more. i wasn’t able to have an erection for a year after my divorce. amanda is the first woman who i have been able to trust to have intercourse with.
amanda is taking her children to central oregon to her parent’s ranch. it will be very hot in the weekend and there aren’t any fans there. i have to get an air conditioner from fred meyer. the hot temperature reminds me of ny where it is impossible to get through a summer without an air conditioner.
my daughter said something about her brain being healthy when we were playing cards. my brain is healthy, i said. it perturbed me that my ex may have said something to her or to someone else when my daughter was present about my state of mind. she may not have said it with the intent to make me look unstable but my daughter overheard it nonetheless.
i didn’t know if we were together for too long in san francisco, a said. it seemed like you needed room and that you didn’t get that.
it was nice when i got back from san francisco to be by myself in my small place where i can recover and be in solitude.
amanda thinks she worries about things more than i do. she thinks men worry less or that they know what they want and act on it. i think she is the prettiest woman i have been with. she has the most beautiful nose and eyes. her mouth is like two arms.