the folks in sunday dress know the work schedule, consumerism and the church. they don’t know how else to live.
n had a  hundred and four fever and her bones hurt.  she thought she had to get to level 4 of the system. she thought she had to give the right answer to a talk show host. maybe she went through the worst fever and hallucinations she has ever had to prepare for the promotion she wanted at work. she had to negotiate with the director and didn’t get everything she wanted. she said she didn’t want to work with her in the same room. she looked happy when she talked about her new role. i was happy that she wanted to tell me about it.
apparently, there is a brand bible at n’s work that everyone defers to not to undermine the brand.
i can’t think. my thought has slowed down. i tell myself there is no thought but it is there when i write it down. i’m a narcissist  because writing is a disease and i write about myself. it is as subversive to the state as tilling the soil to grow food for oneself.
my blood pressure is high and i have been taking penicillin for my teeth.
p is native american and scottish. she looks like a body builder.
i want to get to know her. she has black hair and and brown eyes. she works out at the 24 gym. she has a trainer and works out a few times a week. she likes to see how tight her muscles get when she works out. she thinks america is an adolescent nation built on lies and murder. she’s a descendant of geronimo.
our hearts are always defiant and free, p said. geronimo would say that he was just a man doing what was right.
h is very pretty. her dirty blond hair is up in a ball.
i need money for weed and adderall, h said.
why do you use adderall, i said.
why does anyone use adderall, h said.
you tell me, i said.
it totally makes me focus, h said.
yeah, i said.
i’ve been a fat bitch lately, h said.
i’m worried about you, i said. have you been doing hard drugs?
i don’t have the money for hard drugs right now, h said.
i need 120 for weed and pills, h said.
i was 20, h said. i did anal cuz his dick was too small for me to feel it. he was my boss at the club i worked at. i got 500 dollars. he wanted to fuck me so bad. i let him eat me out once. after that he was hooked. i got a little weed. my dealer has to re up tomorrow.

h banks on the moment you can’t help yourself and you need more than is good for you.
h was 19 when she first had sex for money. she loved the power.
i loved it, h said. men will do anything for good pussy.
you want me to leave my bf so you can lie to me, h said.
no, i said.
shut up, h said. you’re just jealous because you want to be my bf.
that’s true, i said.
i’m fighting with my asshole bf, h said.
i’m sorry, i said. tell me more. what is he doing?
he talks down to me, h said. sometimes like i don’t have feelings.
he tells me how i’m pretty but not smart.
he may be a narcissist, i said. i read an article about it in psychology today. i’m definitely one according to what i read. i don’t see how i couldn’t be addicted to self aggrandizement having had my ego shattered by my father and step father. narcissists adore you and then neglect you. i can get aroused when someone makes fun of me.
he is a spoiled rich kid who thinks only about himself, h said. well i don’t i get turned on.
there are strategies you can use for a narcissist, i said. you should read psychology today on narcissism. you need to protect yourself
how, h said.
look up an article on narcissism or an article like it, i said. it will tell you how.
i guess, h said.

folks use strategies to counter a disorder they think you have.