i sold this guy painkiller pills for sixty dollars, alexis said. i’m going to pick it up.
is alexis a pathological liar? sometimes, i don’t know when i lie. whenever a man doesn’t do what alexis wants he becomes the stalker she wants to shoot in the dick.
the stalker has been circling alexis’s house and mind in a white vehicle. apparently he has the power to brain wash women.
i read an article about a gifted baseball player who became a hit man because his father never gave him his approval. if i was a hit man i would have to keep killing as much as i would obsessively rationalize to cope with the fear and the guilt until i was locked up.
i’ve been protecting myself psychically, alexis said.
i appreciate you telling me you don’t want drama, alexis said. that is what lenny  was telling me. guys can’t deal with drama.
alexis is texting someone on her phone. she makes everything up as she goes along. she lives her art.
are you making yourself some food, i said. is everything ok with you and your phone?
i’m coordinating, alexis said.
amanda isn’t getting what she wants from me. she has been breaking it off with me on a regular basis. i check facebook to see if she hasn’t blocked me, if we are still dating.
amanda’s ex husband is a corporate lawyer. he makes a hefty salary. he hurt amanda’s pride so now she wants to be somebody important. he wanted to tell her what to do.
i don’t think i will get the chance to ignore amanda when she wants to see me.
i want to humiliate her more than i want to see her. i think she’s fucking someone else or someone else has let her know he is interested.
amanda has a young attractive intern who makes her feel sexy and important. she’s humiliating me and not giving me what i want. she used to humiliate me and gave me what i wanted.
i’m not in the mood for your verbal abuse, amanda said.
fuck you bitch cunt, i said. it’s mental illness. don’t take it personal.
you’re a dick, amanda said.
dick is amanda’s word for me when i’m impossible.
you’re not easy to deal with you know, amanda said.
yeah, i said. it’s not easy for me to live with myself.
you’re a dick, amanda said.
don’t shoot me in the dick, i said.
what, amanda said. i don’t do that.

i’m waiting in here, alexis said. i’m eating chicken.
i can’t see alexis when she’s in the kitchen. it makes me nervous. she could be texting lenny to come and save her from me. when something doesn’t go her way she makes whoever disappointed her the stalker.
we are doing alexis’s laundry. she has a strong back. i saw it when she took off her sweater. her slavic grandmother was in the olympics. i believe it when i see alexis’s shoulders. she should have been an athlete.
don’t you want to join me, i said. i like to keep my eyes on her. i don’t trust her. what if she harms herself? she kept my salmon for myself. i bought her over a hundred dollars worth of groceries.
i saw a photo of lenny on facebook. he has gorgeous clear blue eyes and mean nostrils. he’s 39. he ‘s in a heavy metal band. alexis loves musicians.
the upper middle class want for us to be calm so they can do what they want with us, i said.
whats going to happen between me and amanda? she makes 94 thousand dollars every year and i still pay for everything. she even gives me a hard time when i talk to alexis. she thinks she has influence over me. don’t feed the pigeons, amanda said. i like to pay for amanda and myself but i also need to save for my daughter. she clearly is saving for her children and her retirement. amanda doesn’t have sympathy for anyone if they aren’t registered with a non profit, health agency or city municipality. alexis has been unemployed for two years. her health is poor. she has lost so much weight. i’m concerned about her. i don’t care if she uses me for groceries and some cash to get her through the week. she can give me good luck. after all, she has x ray vision and she’s an alien. even lenny believes that she’s an alien.
amanda says i use her for sex, i said.
you know you guys use each other for sex like most couples, alexis said.
why do you have a flashlight, i said.                                                                                the universe unlocked my psychic powers, alexis said.
once i get a gun i will shoot the stalker, alexis said.
yeah shoot the fucker, i said.
alexis pulls out a glass pipe from her shapeless bag that looks more like a crack pipe than it does a pipe used to smoke pot.
i can’t have hard drugs in my place, i said.
have you thought about going back to school, i said. you’re smart.
i saw the future, alexis said. i could be a scientist. i’m going to be famous. why would i go back to school?
i don’t know who is more paranoid alexis or me? i like to think she is. i think i’m going to be recognized for my art one day posthumously. i think when she gets shaky she says her shit in a way that can disturb folks. it would be better for her to keep it to herself.
alexis you shouldn’t say what you say to folks, i said. you’re going to scare them.
i only tell you and lenny, alexis said.
lenny blocked me on facebook, alexis said.
don’t worry about lenny, i said. he’s busy with his music. you have to look after yourself now. we can get back to lenny on some later date. i’m convinced he’ll take you back once you get your shit together.
alexis doesn’t have charlie to take care of her anymore, her fake cousin. they used to have sex but then alexis fell for lenny and charlie had a nervous breakdown. i think she was also seeing me at the time. lenny is right when he says alexis uses men for money. she’s twenty seven so she’s getting old for most men who want to keep her. no one wants her now. she looks like a junkie. it feels good to help alexis and not to listen to some professional telling me to be calm or gentle like my father used to tell me to be. be gentle he would say with a grin. he withheld his approval. i never got the watch he said he would give me. it still hurts me to think about it even though i don’t want it. i wish alexis was more of a whisky drinker. pot smokers are not my style. they’re always busy with their paraphernalia, pipes and lighters. she barely has anything in her pipe and she is trying to smoke it.
you could be a junkie, an ex junky said to me. mental illness and addiction are cousins. my therapist says he doesn’t think i’m mentally ill. then, why am i in his office every other week and taking an expensive psychotropic drug?
alexis wanted me to turn off the t.v.. she gets traumatized when she hears it on because she watched it all the time when her mother was dying.
alexis is cleaning her pipe with one of my pencils.
do you want some kratom, alexis said.
no, i said.
the chatter in the background is drowning my energy, alexis said. i have add, ocd, manic depression, and borderline depression. i’m self diagnosed. i can never hold my breath for longer than ten seconds, alexis said. i was on prozac. all it is is fluoride. my friend natalie told me.
alexis is obsessing again about the pineal gland. she’s a fatalist.
when the stalker comes for me i’m going to pretend that i’m the killer in a movie, alexis said.
alexis’s delusions have meaning to her. who am i to question her?
alexis put her hair up in a bun.
we are moon children, alexis said. you’re a cancer moon. we have luck together. i’m a mother of cancer moons. i don’t have to be afraid of stalker guy now that you said he’s not going to get me.
he has other things on his mind, i said. remember you said he has a harem of women.
i need a gun, alexis said. i’m famous.
i think so, i said.
i know how the stalker thinks, alexis said.
what is he thinking, i said.
you have to tell me if what i’m talking about is disturbing, alexis said. i don’t know if something is disturbing or interesting.
yes, i said.
charlie didn’t let me out of the house for two months because i brought lenny into the house, alexis said. it made me obsessive because i wanted to see lenny more. i sent lenny 200 texts in four days. he’s also going to be rich. he didn’t know how to respond. i felt like a nutcase. i was channeling. i had so much to text him. i channeled his mom.
alexis’s speciality are men who have lost their mother.
i freaked lenny out, alexis said. i got mad at him. this is over. i can’t deal with this intensity lenny said.
he looks intense himself, i said.
you remind me of him, alexis said.
the strap of alexis’s reddish brown dress falls down over the black bra strap.
i’m going to shoot the stalker in the dick, alexis said.