i want to ask k where he plays in public but it may humiliate him if he doesn’t perform.
when i compare myself to another man it usually means i want to fuck him.
my hand is wrinkled from age i read the first paragraph it excites me the beginning
of every book the day is warm and bright j is here in black t shirt and black jeans
i feel like i’m disappearing which is nothing new. i saw an old childhood friend on facebook i don’t want to friend her it will open up the past i still feel like i know her
she’s older than me we spent countless hours doing whatever two old people eat
together they have outlived many, some live till they are sixty others live till they are ninety.
we came back from the santa fe desert. we were with stone crevices and columns that spoke to us in a language that we could only mouth. when i told her i loved her i asked her not not to believe me. i didn’t care much if she said it back. i said i love you to another woman once and she didn’t believed me. i’m reading the book the woman who didn’t believe i loved her said i should read. it is a violent book that begins with the gruesome murder of a young woman’s lover. the woman i said i loved and didn’t believe me thought that i was as detached as the narrator in the book.
i love you, i said.
yes, a said
do you accept it?
yes.
when i’m with men my age i feel ten years younger. when i’m with men ten years younger i feel twenty years older.
i don’t know what a is doing now. the children are still at school. she’s probably doing something for foresttrust. possibly filling out applications for grants. she travels when she has to pander the affluent for funds. she must think i’m at my coffee shop eating and thinking.
a young good looking officious woman in a blue dress and moccasins talks to j. he isn’t interested in the least.
how is your day, he said.
a is a gardner of sorts.
how do you feel about gardening, she said.
i like to observe the garden and eat from it, i said.
perfect, she said.
you would have to tell me what to do at first, i said. i can pull weeds. i think it can be good for one’s mental health. it engenders thought.
i’m no pro, she said. i do have two raised beds though and would like to make time for a garden this year.
two raised beds, i repeated.
we can sleep in the backyard under the stars on hot nights this summer, she said.
on hot nights this summer, i repeated.
i thought about her choking me and my cock saluting the stars.
the dirty sweat smell from my orange cap delights me.