brandy wants me to call the real estate agency they have been calling her to get to me i don’t know my account number i wrote it in one of my notebooks i have so many of them i don’t know which is the one i wrote the account number in the property manager is in jersey city brandy wants me to clean myself when i see her i don’t feel like cleaning myself some of the ugly clumsy looking people are mean and don’t deserve my pity because they eat meat she has been dreaming about bobcats and sending them my way they are as strong as mountain lions i think mountain lion when i see them but i don’t fear them i don’t have my eyelids the bobcats took them i thought i had a disease when i saw that my eyelids weren’t replaced with something else they were first purple and red and then they they vanished they changed colors and i felt nauseous and i wanted to die and then they vanished i didn’t feel them i was still able to see i was still able to think i think it would be painful to lose eyelids to bobcats. i think i will feel the pain later when i have processed my mother’s death. brandy talked to ed ed was fucked up and confused he wanted to fuck brandy he is married she set him straight she had his cock in her hand. it felt like a rubber ball. she squeezed it in the palm of her hand it was long and erect and slippery. ed came handily. he was grateful. he wanted to die in her arms. he went back to his wife and his marriage he likes his wife he doesn’t like the marriage it is killing him he is going to kill the marriage not his wife he was looking at brandy and it was killing him how much he wanted her he had to write her an anonymous poem brandy had sympathy for him brandy was flattered even though she thought the poem was beautiful and unoriginal she wanted to die shortly after she had her children and she decided her marriage was over. she gives counseling a great deal of credit for her self awareness and wherewithal. i don’t give therapy that kind of power. i think i have to go there to survive not to get insight into existence. brandy may sunbathe in the nude in her yard she did it last weekend there is something about her white body with its moles and elisions that makes me think i will die in nature she said she tied the tomato plants because they are weak this is a beautiful phrase, and she said it, not me. i don’t know which of the numbers on my checkbook are for my account the levi shirts i ordered haven’t arrived the man behind me has a dumb nose it speaks to his stupidity he can’t not be dumb when his nose gives him away it is a very large shiny nose it looks like it belongs to his face he has long hair he takes good care of it he has been eating bison he is a mean man for eating buffalo meat he shot an old bison dead he leaned the barrel of the gun on the great animals head and pulled the trigger it burned the hair on its skull he has had unusual types of meat he has had dog and cat he thinks dog and cat taste like bison he has had horse he thinks horse tastes like dog he has butchered household animals he has loved he has shot them and knifed them. he thinks he is less of a murderer having killed the animals he eats. in his room he has an american quarter horse horse. it is a grand horse. it has a thick mane. it is not for eating. it is for cutting patients like cattle. he puts his hand over its eyes when it gets nervous. he gets a chair to get on it he pushes his neck onto its mane and lowers both his arms onto its legs he is impassive he has hieratic dreams that only a meat eater can have an image of an altar is a recurring dream image he thumbs his iphone he uses the horse for cutting he cuts into his patients on the range when he sees one that needs branding, worming, that needs to have his medication adjusted or that needs to be isolated he cuts it off at the fence. the horse has to keep the patient from his depression. the horse has to be smarter and faster than the mental illness. the horse has to have patient smarts. he prompts the patient with questions or dominates threads of the conversation. the patient and the meat eater can get anxious and scared in the open range. he wants to get back to his pathology; to the city park to suck on the marrow of pigs dogs bison, horse, cows and to tally with the sex workers, low life and high minded murders, thieves, uber drivers, city officials, lawyers, and murderers and the criminals that flay and skewer horses and sell horse meat.