I talked about their suffering.I was happy for suffering. I was right to espouse suffering. I
didn’t feel safe if I wasn’t suffering on some level and managing it. Jane would suffer as much as I had even more if she really went for it. She didn’t have much of a choice,
as far as I could see, she was in between things and had been indecisive for
some time. I was ready to lead them, never having led anyone before. They had been led by Susan and they had gotten far, but not far enough, not the whole way and the experiment was worthless if it wasn’t taken as far as one could take it. I was the one to take it all the way. I hadn’t seen them for some time. Carl who hadn’t been there for most of the year was there like he had been present last January and then had disappeared for the year. Dan who I thought was leading us said that he hadn’t been around for a long time and that he needed to be with us. He had broken three fingers. He missed his wife. She left him for another man who had been looking for a lover and hadn’t had any success in finding one.
Janet looked like she was doing well. She had her teeth whitened. I fucked her for the good of the group. She was ready to follow me. I liked her. I wanted to
find her a lover who would agree to give her to me when I wanted her. I liked her bare feet. I poured whisky into twelve small parcel cups and passed them around.
I was sad Janet had a patient in hospice who was going to die within the week. The skin on her aging face looked like a chemical peel. She tolerates her ex husband who
talks to her about his lovers. Janet creeps me out when she talks about sexual abuse.
She wants to have the children observed by two adults so that one adult can be
observed by the other. Brian has lost parts of his nose and ears to cancer. He has gained more weight. He was still sore about having to cut his wife loose from the group. Janet said that the children said that she neglected them when she had to look after them when the rest of us went to the country. Brian wanted her to go underground but deferred to Lydia who begged for her life. Brian misses his two children. They went
with their mother. Most likely he will leave us. He may even tell the authorities what
he knows, which isn’t much. The young woman with the thin legs
came to us from San Fran. She hasn’t told us her name nor is she willing to tell us
who sent her. She said that she prays with whoever needs something from her.
O my brothers and sisters. I have to see you out of this mess.
The woman with the dead eyes fled to Arizona. I wanted to help her. Her husbands was a sleaze. He controlled her with money.