Dear Perez Hilton;

I’m writing this letter on behalf of myself and any other person who believes that our definition of “news” has become extremely distorted.

Your website is a main reason more people care about which celebrity is pregnant than the homeless problem, the war overseas, national debt or any other truly important topic. You go through pictures writing about bull shit that no one should actually care about. Celebrities have little to no impact on a normal person’s life, yet sites such as yours make it seem like a star picking up their own dry cleaning, in sweatpants, is the most important thing in the world….But not after you write your “clever” little comments or draw your extremely “artistic” little pictures on all these photos of famous people…I’m so glad you’ve clearly mastered MS Paint, because I’ve got to tell you, if you were just randomly writing on imagines with a shitty photo editing program it would look REALLY bad…Oh wait….

Somehow you have tricked a whole generation of people into looking to you for “news.” I don’t know how you did it, maybe you mass hypnotized people during an episode of America’s Next Top Model or something, (“you are getting very, very, VERY…stupid…you will think I am important and relevant”) I don’t know. But what needs to happen is that you need to stop contributing to the steady (and rapidly increasing) decline of society. With people like you around, really important news will always take a backseat to who’s breaking up in the celebrity world. Or which whore star has an up skirt shot coming out of her limo. Please, for the sake of the children, shut the fuck up!

Now I know a number of people may think I am singling you out because you’re gay, this is certainly not the case, I couldn’t care less what your sexual orientation is, gay, straight, like to hump cactus…I don’t care, it still doesn’t change how much I hate you (I’m an equal opportunity hater, as in, I hate certain people from every race, creed or sexual preference equally). And I think it’s great if people feel more comfortable coming out to their friends or parents because there are more gay people in the public eye. That being said, it doesn’t mean you’ve got to constantly “shock the crap” out of people…I’m talking about the clothes, the makeup and the hair. I have actually seen you wear a dress…If you want to wear a dress, and you like guys, why not go full tilt and get the operation, (you unfortunately have the money) I’m sure you’d have more fun shopping in the woman’s section anyways (since it seems you already do) so stop tip toeing around it and go whole hog (or I guess…go de-hog yourself). And if anyone is going to bring up the “Scottish people wear kilts, those are like dresses,” well true they do look the same, but take a look under a Scotsman’s kilt, and if he’s wearing it “traditionally” you’ll find a couple of things you are certainly lacking (I’m talk of course about the Scotsman’s “golf balls”). As we all know you may have the junk but you certainly don’t have the cojones. I remember that video of you crying like a little bitch after you got punched out at some award show…Which by the way I’m glad you did; you talk shit about celebrities and then when it comes down to a face to face meeting you can’t back up your shit. Don’t write the trash if you can’t clean it up.

I have a theory as to why you are the way you are (website wise)…You wish to be famous. That’s not a problem, I’d love to be famous too, however the problem I have is the way you go about it. You seem to be all about the celebrities but it seems to me you really just want to talk about yourself, hence all the pictures of you with famous people (people you will then probably later bash). I want to be famous or known because of what I do, not because I point out what others do, and then piggy back on their success. Also, you seem to have this bias towards some people…They don’t like you so you don’t talk about them. If you’re doing a celebrity gossip article, column, magazine or whatever, you should talk about everyone, not just the people you like.

Then on the other side, those people who you do like, such as Paris Hilton, you rarely paint (or MS Paint) a bad picture about them, when they are just as awful (or worse) than others. Paris Hilton has to be one of the most useless people in the world (I understand why you use her last name, to show people you’re just as useless), she is nothing but a drain on society, and needs to stop wasting air and my time, as do you.

I also need to address your obsession with “outing” people you say are closet gay people. Leave them the fuck alone; keep your fucking thoughts to yourself, if these people don’t want to say anything, what makes you think they want YOU to say it. Imagine if you were a celebrity (because you’re not, so imagine it), and you were gay but didn’t want to tell anyone just yet, hadn’t even told your closet friends or parents. Then all of a sudden some jackass gossip blogger “outs” you, then because of our world’s obsession with celebrity “news” it’d be all across television, radio and the web. Now you’ve been outed and instead of sitting down and having a conversation with the people closest to you to explain things, now they are finding out from some jackass on TV. It is not your place to “expose” these people it is their life, their choice, leave them fuck alone!

So in conclusion, I wish that you would stop “exposing” people you think are closet gays; you need to learn how to draw and knock off those shitty little doodles and thought bubbles (they aren’t funny OR entertaining). Also, you need to realize that you are famous for being a douche and I imagine no one really likes you, because then they have to deal with all that shit. Oh, and if you could please go ahead and fuck off and die, that’d be swell!

Yours in realization that “gossip” isn’t news,

Kyle