I’m writing this letter on behalf of all the people who have to walk past you and your dressed-up dog and not only pretend, as we pass you, that you’re NOT crazy, but also have to see the look of sheer defeat in your dog’s eyes as it wishes it had thumbs, so not only could it remove its stupid jacket or sweater but could also have the appropriate number of fingers to flip you off.

Stop it! Stop dressing up your damn dogs!

I feel I need to address you all as a whole because you all have problems that need to be remedied…Some minor, but some are MAJOR issues that need a fixin’ (sorry, had to throw a neutering joke in there).

Every time I see people out with one of these dogs with a little sweater on, or wrapped up in its little jacket with a hood, or worst of all, with little boots on, I just want to put the animal out of its misery (and when I say “animal” I’m not referring to the dog). There is almost no reason to have a jacket on your dog. I understand some breeds of dog are not really designed for colder climates, but that doesn’t mean they need you to look after them, and if you’re that worried, just make sure you don’t leave them out in a snow bank. You may think dogs are feeble and need to be taken care of, but in the end we’re the ones who feed them and pick up their shit, so who’s really in charge? The boots I could maybe understand if you’re going walking on a lot of ice, or hard surfaces for a long time, but not the length of a normal “dog walk”. Also, dogs have evolved just like people so I’m pretty sure their feet are designed to handle it, hence a dog’s feet are not made of porcelain. Evolution was clearly on the ball this time, must have worked on “dog feet” when it was sober…

Yes, maybe a Chihuahua might need a sweater in Canada, but really a Chihuahua should never be up here– besides the fact that they are hideous little rats, they don’t belong in cold weather. They should never be further north than Arizona… Where, as they are Mexican, I’m sure they’d be stopped and hassled for papers to prove they are legal.

I also need to address you crap-faces who treat your dog as a fashion “accessory”. It’s a dog, a living creature, NOT a damn accessory! All these celebrities who walk around with these little tiny excuses for dogs (they look like Swiffer dusters to me…if only they could reach the high places…) need to fuck off and die. This especially means you, Paris Hilton! Next thing you know designers are going to be coming out with the new fall line that goes great with breeds of dog. “This year’s hottest pant suits go fabulously with a miniature French poodle or can be paired with a short haired Yorkie”…Give me a damn break!

So in summation: dogs are not feeble, you do not need to “protect” them with sweaters and jackets, stop treating your dog as an accessory and all Chihuahuas should die.

Yours in the Doghouse,


P.S. I was, in fact, the one who let the dogs out…