Recently, Mr. Zouch held his annual reading of the OED, which is as difficult for the editors to absquatulate from as it is for them to endure. This year, after many hours sipping port in the dank library of Zouch Manor, Elford finally came to the “Se’s” and, in due course, to the new entry (and word-of-the-year) “selfie.”

“What border ruffian would turn a camera on his own visage,” he scoffed. “Why, by God, one might as well be his own cly-faker!”

After musing for many minutes about the advantages of picking one’s own pocket — or, he suggested, to our chagrin, “hiring a team of numbskull editors” to do it — Mr. Zouch relit his pipe and stuffed his humbug mouth with cavendish smoke. Calmed — or so we thought — by his sedative, the editors took the opportunity to demonstrate the selfie process to Mr. Zouch. And in due course, we found we’d perfected the technique.

“Bah,” Elford barked when he’d had enough, puffing ash onto the floor. “Midinettes and dollymops — that’s what you all are! Now get out!”

He chased us out of Zouch Manor and into the night, but we soon regrouped at the Cobbler & Wheelwright where Sally, our favorite barmaid, served us porter and good cheer until we’d drafted the following list.

Step One

Angle your body slightly to favor your best side. Point it toward the camera.


Step Two

Place one leg forward and lift your heel. Cock your hips slightly, and put your weight on your back leg.


Step Three

Place your non-camera-holding hand on your hips. (We found that if you point this elbow toward the camera, it creates a slimming effect.)


Step Four

Drop your shoulders away from your ears. This lengthens your neck and facilitates steps five through eight.


Step Five

Slightly cock your head away from the camera and tilt your head down a bit. Then, smile gently so your upper cheeks are slightly puffed and your teeth are moderately exposed.


Step Six

Lightly press your tongue to the top of your mouth and relax your jaw, which will create a small, comely space between your upper and lower teeth.


Step Seven

When you’re ready to snap your selfie, make sure you hold the camera above your eyeline and angle it down. (We found that low angles create chins.)


Step Eight

Just before you take the picture, breathe in slightly to invigorate your facial features.


Share Your Selfie with Us

If you follow these steps, we’d love to see the results.

Share your selfies with Zouch via the comments section below or on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.