ego death, jacob said.
i wasn’t sure what i had said for him to say it.
that sounds unpleasant, i said.
it was, jacob said. it was very painful.
was it for a long time, i said.
well, jacob said.
it came to a head, i said.
yeah, jacob said.
jacob likes to stick his tongue out playfully when we talk.
jacob had an ego death. i’ve heard of a social death but not an ego death. i had a time when i was jacob’s age in my early twenties when i was disconnected from what was real. i cycled to churches and cathedrals. i wanted to feel one with god. i thought it would give me insight into my father and my longing for death. at least jacob completed college in a timely fashion. i went back to finish my degree when i was twenty five.
jacob said the ego death lasted two days. he said it was existential. he talked about it to his therapist. i thought it may be associated to mental illness. he said it wasn’t . jacob has great manic brown eyes. they sparkle like stars when he talks or  look like countless galactic boys shooting cum. jacob has on a blue t shirt that looks good with his short brown hair.
what are you working on, jacob said.
nothing, i said.
i’m jacob, jacob said.
i know your name, i said. that was my grandfather’s name.
i have some of my poems in my portfolio from school, jacob said.
if jacob’s poetry is anything like his stellar eyes it has to be great. i’d like to be his audience.
my blood pressure is very high. i can’t see my new internist till may 4. he sees one new patient every month. i’ve thought about going to the zoom doctor but i’m worried they will give me beta blockers and send me on my way without much effect. i’d hate to have to stop my anti depressant. my doc says i have been doing well on it. it could be that it has been interfering with my penis. i think my doc is more attached to the anti- depressant than myself. he will have a harder time treating me if i get off it and get on something that isn’t as effective. i think it’s the case with all medications. they are good for the short term but not for the longterm.
what do you think when you see the american landscape, i said.
community, amanda said.
i think about conflict and pioneers, i said.
analysis is about isolating the problem and power, i said.
i see fence posts and private property signs everywhere in santa fe, amanda said.
the native american indians have features like the american landscape, i said.
o’keefe needed an influential man to look up to, i said. she looked so much younger than stieglitz.
she looked so content, amanda said.
she had a secret when people were allowed to have one, i said.
she was photographed often, amanda said.
yeah sometimes she looks like she is clueless and other times she looks like she is on to something, i said.
they don’t have enough of her flower paintings at her museum, i said.
yeah. amanda said.
i wonder if they are saying that she was a precursor to minimalist art, i said.
i don’t know enough about art, amanda said.
yeah me too, i said
isn’t her work abstract, amanda said.
i think minimalist art is abstract, i said.