f had been having a hard time. she decided to meditate an hour in the morning and an hour at night.
we grew up poor before my mother remarried, f said. my dad hunted for food. ate venison and salmon. whatever he brought back home was our dinner.
f felt sad but doesn’t fall apart because she feels buoyancy. at a retreat she felt that she was in a time warp. she felt that she was able to do things she hadn’t been able to do.
b was married. he wanted to fuck f. he wanted to fuck every woman he saw. he wanted to fuck for the hell of it. he liked the idea of losing everything he had to inanity. it was his inane idea of revenge against the helplessness he felt because of his queer fate. f knew he wanted her. she was loud. she felt that her voice was circling like a vulture above. he was concerned that f would commit herself to the monastery.
it’s easier to reach enlightenment as a monk, f said. they want for me to
return every year.
how do they have the money,b asked.
from donations, f said.
who owns the land, b said.
i don’t know, f said. by the organization. it’s a newer center.
it’s amazing what the mind can do, b said. there’ s tremendous magic. it’s not magical. it’s accessible.
b knew what to say to lead f. she was independent. she read the latest feminist tracts yet she liked to be led. b wanted to hog tie her.
i’m wary of facebook, b said. have you read the circle. the circle is similar to facebook. it is a community without privacy. everyone knows where everyone is. all the data is subsumed by the circle. they have you health records. they treat your health issues. big brother knows what you are doing and thinking. the critics liked the novel but they say it isn’t a great literary work like orwell’s 1984. 1984 was written at a different time in history. it read more like a movie script than a novel. if you notice they have this new thing on facebook so you can see when your friends are using it. they develop a sense of community that i don’t trust. and this liking posts is especially obnoxious. i get pleasure that my posts get no likes. i can’t wait to post my next poem.
what is it that is making people do that going to the computer, f said. why can’t they look at a tree.
yeah, yeah, yeah, said b.
that technology is weird inside our brain, f said. it’s subconscious. that is scary.
yeah, b said. yeah.
i got rid of my smart phone, f said. i’ve dumbed it down.
yeah yeah, b said. that’s good.
it’s not easy to be beautiful, b said.
what, f said.
well, i don’t know what i mean, b said.
i get lost sometimes, f said. not having control scares me.
b talks about his relationship with his wife. f in turn talks about her relationship with her partner. b is unhappy about the sex he has had with his wife who is older and not nearly as attractive as f. f likes to be wanted by b. she feels closer to him than she does to her partner when she talks to him about her spirituality.
i’m tired of superficiality, f said.
b wants to be direct. he wants to grab f by the neck. he feels frustrated and humiliated.
when i find someone i like, f said. i pursue them. i stalk them. i make them like me. eventually when i figure out what they like i let them in my space.
in my community, f said. i felt insecure but i have made progress. i love everyone.
i want to be with lots of people. i love road trips. these folks are taking a bus to wallalla
i’m gonna go as an observer in the high desert.
b has talked to his wife about f. f may not have a place to stay. he would like to have her
stay with them. b needs his wife. they have been married for fifteen years. he is positioning himself to become more intimate with f. he griefs that f has to mediate everything with new age spirituality.
we’re looking for a core of people who are into spiritual activism, f said. i’m really into this spanish feminist queer spiritual activist. i want to protest from the heart
f works at an icu unit. they treat alcoholics and addicts.
f has no idea how lonely a married man can be.
she has no idea how badly b wants to use her and then go back to his wife.
she feels safe with b. his security is rooted in his family lif.e she yearns for
a family of her own.