I have a feeling V never went to New Zealand. The pics she sent me
were possibly from the first time she went. I think she was ghosting me when she arrived Sunday from New Zealand.
The therapist said you can do what you want as long as you don’t
harm anyone. This is okay in theory but not in practice. Reality doesn’t work
like that. It’s some kind of safe blank reality pushed by the therapist.
V texted that she wanted to meet at the standard on 22 avenue and E.Burnside. I ordered a Jimmy Bean whisky. It is sweeter than Jack Daniels. V had a tequila on the rocks. Her face didn’t have freckles like she said. Her face looked whiter than it was before she left. She looked like she put on weight. She said she had had ice cream everyday and that she had run.
I don’t care what you think, V said. I don’t care what you do.
I have been thinking about smoking, I said.
Who sits in a cafe or a bar by himself, V said.
I do, I said.
I wasn’t able to understand how V, as self reliant as she was, used a cell phone and computer that was given to her by the company. They knew about her activity on line, what sites she used. They knew who she called when she was and wasn’t working. I thought she should have her own phone. I thought she should order porn at a motel when she traveled without having to worry what management thought about it.
You have different things that you call paranoia, V said.
When something bad happens, I said. And i thought it was going to happen I can start to question everything around me. Sometimes i think i’m smarter that the therapist.
You’re a narcissist she said. You should tell the therapist when you think you know what he’s going to do.
No, it’s better not to let him know what you know, I said.
That defeats the purpose, v said.
Yeah i should open up, I said.
They make you think you can’t survive without them, I said.
That’s fucked up, V said.
If I were to say that they would say I’m paranoid, I said.
I can’t tell when I trust someone, I said. I had to manipulate to survive.
That’s fucked, V said.
What is trust, I said.
I don’t care what you think, she said. I don’t care what you do.
I was lonely. I didn’t care what she said. I was happy to have a drink with her. I loved her in my fucked up way. At a certain point I need to love someone, even if only for a few seconds. If not her than someone else. I was happy to see a human face. Her face had changed over the four months I had seen her. She said that I was the same. I only wanted to talk shit. I wanted to talk about the past. We didn’t have a history. I think I was using her to have a friend. I wasn’t able to have an erection with her. I revealed too much of myself. I treated her too much like how I would a guy friend. I think I hurt her feelings when I imitated her and she thought that I thought she behaved like a lesbian. She has a masculine way about her.
I don’t shake a person’s hand like that, V said. I’m not a lesbian.
I didn’t mean to say that you’re a lesbian, I said.
I think I would know if I was a lesbian, V said.
Art isn’t supposed to be entertainment, I said.
I don’t care what you think, V said. I don’t care what you do.
From a mathematically and politically standpoint I’m fascinated how termites organize, a young handsome Chinese American said to a tall nerdy young woman with short hair. Concentric circles! It breaks my mind. The picture metaphor breaks down. You can’t see the edges. That breaks my mind. I freak out. Brown doesn’t t look like grey or green. If you don’t communicate with the public some lackey will, that s the best argument I’ve heard for a scientist.