H asked me a personal question I kept from myself. I talked about Y because I knew she was obsessed with him and would forget about me. She came to me
when she was scared of Y and would end up talking about what she wanted to do with her life. She clipped me off mid sentence and was all too familiar. I wanted distance but eventually I felt dreamy when I was with her and wanted to be with her for as long as she needed me. She thought that Y was a risk and was split. He always seemed to be in his head. She thought that he was an iceberg. Y had begun to call her names which meant that he would start in on her with his fists.
I hated what Y did to women. Most of them were former assistants he had brow beaten
and played violent sexual scenes with. Amazingly they and myself felt indebted to him.
He was very charismatic. He used his generosity like a hammer. We all knew to be discrete.
I confessed to H I wanted to die most of the time. It was only Y’s vision and terror that kept me going. One day I would be free from him if I didn’t become like him.
I pulled H by the elbow and had her sit down. She had grey red hair and whitish blue eyes. She was frantic. Y hadn’t been seen for a week. He suffered from depression and blacked out when he self medicated with whisky. He had been seeing a doctor but they had hit a wall and he had had it with therapy. He couldn’t get an erection on the medication. He thought the doc was inept. He had coped with insomnia, whisky, and H’s devotion and went wherever his mindlessness led him.
It had been two weeks since Y had been seen. It was a humid NYC June night. I was worried about H. She was barren. She was a medium for Y’s emotions. She spoke to me like I was Y. I thought she was stupid and shattered. I fucked
her mindlessly in Y’s room that had a wide mattress and an office lamp in it.
My slack penis slipped and squirted and I felt like I had done something wrong but everything was as it always had been.
When the stagnation was unbearable I vomited.
I felt scared when Y was absent as if there was a tunnel that led to more questionable tunnels and that I had done something heinous without knowing what it was.
I met J at a bar on Sullivan st.. J had inherited money. He never worked. J was more peculiar than handsome. It made him inaccessible. He was shy and became morbid when he was rejected. I covered the office lamp with my white t shirt. J had a cumbersome erection. I yanked it mindlessly. Yes Yes Yes H said. J grabbed her right breast with both of his large hands. He yanked the irregular long nipples that looked like tassels. Yes Yes Yes H said. J gnawed on H’s head and ejaculated.
H looked like a man when she was simpatico and gave me advise. You should treat
everyone equal, she said. Don’t talk to them like they are a child or a parent.
I felt that H would ask me to kill Y. She never did. Had she I would have done it and she
would have thrived. When Y returned he took H to Nevada. It was the last time I saw her.