he was a monster. he was my monster. he raped a boy we ignored and broke his finger. the raped boy had a brother. they used to pull out their limp dicks and compared them. they came together. i feared and i admired my monster. he played chess with the black and spanish kids in the bronx. he read history. he didn’t want to repeat history. he said he was responsible for the holocaust. he said he was named after a german nazi general to remind him that he too was a nazi. he said that he would prevent genocide when it happened as if he had the power of a god. he had a thick german accent. he was white, skinny and tall. he used the word nigger shamelessly. i felt ashamed when he said nigger i didn’t break his neck. he called his black and spanish brothers nigger and they called him nigger. it made him feel like he was one of them. he bent over. his briny asshole was brown. i fucked the shit out of it. his asshole was bleeding. he liked it when i said he was a nazi piece of shit.
my monster’s mother was a german nanny. she worked with the babies seven days a week. it drove her crazy. she smashed the baby’s head.
the german nanny has a twin sister who has been stalking the dead baby’s mother. she wanted clemency for her sister. she was very protective. she feared they were going to give her the death penalty.
the german nanny survived incest and alcoholism. she felt guilty for having neglected her boy. she feared neglecting him. she feared her boy would be a rapist like her grandfather. it’s unfair she thought that she has to cope with depression and narcissism and poverty when she wasn’t the one who did anything wrong.
the german nanny had to see a psychiatrist. she was taking an anti psychotic and valuim. her employer wouldn’t allow her to see the psychiatrist when she felt shaky. she had agreed to look after the children for the weekend.
the german nanny’s mind had slowed down. she was having a hard time making connections. she spent days isolated in her room. she had to cope with the blankness and the errant thoughts she wasn’t able to follow. she had a bad rash on her stomach that she had to scratch every five minutes. she thought that her employer had cursed her and given her the rash. she didn’t know why she was with the two children. she never had had a girl of her own. she always wanted to have a daughter. she was jealous of her employer’s two baby daughters. she thought that when her boy would grow up to be a man he would leave her for a woman or a man and she would have to look after herself. she was scared of getting old and not having someone to help her. she had bad head aches and back aches. she lived with her sister in queens in a basement apartment. she feared that she wouldn’t have enough money for rent.
what was the nanny doing with babies? she wanted to be in the convent. she wanted to think about light and angels and to look at the white rose in the garden.