i’m going to cut peaches, jacob said.
yeah, i said.
when you compartmentalize you have these conflicting things, jacob said. you isolate them. so you can deal with them later, like if you have no friends and i do have friends. there are these contradictions we have.
i don’t not have friends. i just want to fuck every friend i have or every friend i have want s to fuck me. i think jacob wants to fuck me but he doesn’t know it or i want to fuck him and i don’t know it. regardless what the case is i’ve decided to think of us as fuck buddies even thought we aren’t. amanda doesn’t like to hear me talk about it even though i know nothing will ever happen between jacob and myself because i’m unconvinced about us as fuck buddies and anything i’m not convinced about i don’t do. i like to include amanda when i think out loud about other people sexually. it is something a girlfriend used to do to me to torture me. a therapist said i shouldn’t do it and i didn’t do it after he said i shouldn’t. i respected him and he said he respected me. lately, i have started to do it not caring that it is painful for the person i’m with to hear it. amanda from time to time reads what i write. she never said anything about me writing about her until this weekend when we were having bagels and coffee at spielman, the women at spielman are short tawny and have black hair. they seem sharp and tough, they remind me of a small woman i used to know in ny who i liked and admired even though she didn’t resect me not knowing who i really was because if she did she would have admired me. amanda said that she wouldn’t mind if i renamed her amy, that way no one would recognize her. i said that the funny and liberating thing is that no one reads what i write. i don’t even think that the magazine i post on knows what i post. amanda told her co worker stacy and her boy friend that i post on facebook. i hope that they don’t read what i write about you i said. nothing i write is true. nothing anyone writes is true.
i want to do charity work and give blood are thoughts i have when i take adderall and ritalin. i want to teach the illiterate how to read. i can read. there are millions who can’t. when i take adderall i want to give the homeless blow jobs. i want to fill out grant applications for them. i want to give them cartons of chocolate milk and orange juice. i want to give them cardboard trays and canned peaches. i want to sleep with them in tents. i want to take exams for them. i want no bureaucracy or boundaries.
jacob has the need to tell me what compartmentalization is. or rather he has the need to tell me himself what it is with me there to listen. he gets nervous at a certain point and i assure him that i totally want to hear what he has to say about something that he thinks i may know or may have made my mind up about. i like to hear what he has to say about it. it may clarify something for me. things are unclear or clear to me depending when i think about it. sometimes, i think i know something and find that i don’t know how to explain it to myself. sometimes, i explain something to myself and i’m not convinced and i’m also not convinced when someone i respect explains it because it doesn’t have the ring of truth to it, this can often happen when i go to a professional when my head isn’t right and what he says to me is nothing like what i’m thinking.
jacob said that the pakistani girl didn’t want to be with him. i think he confabulates
sometimes, i don’t know where my mind goes or is, i said.
i wonder if adderall will help, i said.
is this the pakistani girl, i said.
yeah, jacob said.
i’m not doing anything on the fourth of july, i said.
the people i want to be with aren’t there, jacob said. i’m gong with a co worker to a party.
i used to do adderall and ritalin, jacob said.
it’s like meth, i said.
it’s a methamphetamine, jacob said.
with the pakistani girl it’s more like i want her to be with my friends and she wants me to be with her friends. jacob said.
jacob gets a peculiar look when he talks about pharmaceuticals or something he can attest to.
jacob gets intense when he talks about compartmentalizing.
jacob used to mix pharmaceuticals with illegal drugs.
my girl friend is with her family and my daughter is with her mother. they are the three women in my life. i don’t mind being alone.
are you coming in tomorrow for coffee, jacob said.
yes, i said.
i will spend time by myself like my stepfather.
my nipples still hurt from when amanda twisted them. the last time she tortured me my penis was limp but it was still responsive, it had blood in it.
they say people get work done on adderall, i said.
i used it in college, jacob said.
the red head who said that she has a bf when i tried to talk to her has a smirk on her face. she’s particularly good looking.