I’m writing this letter on behalf of myself, who is getting increasingly more annoyed with the frequency with which I see these stickers.

 I understand wishing to have products made by “local” people, and create jobs within your country (especially penis pumps, 9 year olds in Whocares-ikstan can’t possibly get them right). However, it’s simple business that we outsource the manufacturing of some products, due to our quality of life.

Look where our products are made, China, Taiwan, Korea, etc.

Can you believe this kid was 3 before he started working? Lazy bastard!

 Now compare their quality of life to the western world (specifically bloated North America).

Let’s break it down…

Imagine that North America is a fancy, five star restaurant in an upscale neighbourhood. You have to dress up to enter, then a snootie waiter (who claim to only be working there until they finish their screenplay) sits you at an elegantly set table, with corners so tight it’s like the table is getting four simultaneous wedgies. Once seated, you’re asked if you want something from the wine list, and you have to properly pronounce (in your best fake French accent) a type of wine like Cabernet Sauvignon or Shiraz or maybe Riesling (which goes well with tuna, salmon and eel). Once you’ve ordered the wine and acted like you’re not just buying it to get your buzz on, then comes time to decide what to eat; duck rangoon in a breast milk sauce, tossed in ants and paired with a lovely truffle oil infused raccoon penis…Delicious! The meal arrives and you realize you should have eaten something beforehand, because this portion is about the size of a McNugget, but costs more than a golden shower from Barbra Walters (which at last check was running about $4500). Once the meal is complete, the failed screenplay writer…I mean waiter…Will come back and offer you a dessert menu, but warn you that the soufflé will take about an hour to prepare, just more time for you to purchase wine for $80 a glass. Of course you have to get the dessert and the wine, and pretend its pocket change because you’re trying to impress a women enough so she eventually agrees to sleep with you (and also drunk enough that she doesn’t remember your lack-luster performance). You finish dessert, knock back the last of your Pinot Noir and leave the restaurant, empty in the stomach and even more so in the wallet .

That’s North America. Seems classy and sophisticated as shit, but really if you don’t have money, you’re just living to work so you can keep living.

Now imagine if you will that the places that manufacture our products, or perform our services (i.e. Call centres) are like a street meat vendor. Cheap, found on dirty street corners, run by questionable people with even more questionable personal health and you’re never quite sure what type of “meat” you’re getting (my money is on cat…I found a whisker in mine once). However, despite all these nasty, disgusting points…Sweet hell, son of a bitch…At last call, that shit is spot on!

Maybe monkey? Lizard? Dung Beatle?

 Now that you have a couple of simple pictures of the two regions I’m talking about, we can continue on.

Back in the day, whatever you needed was made wherever you were. If you needed hay baled, god damn you baled that shit yourself. Or perhaps you required some bacon; well we all know how that ends (RIP Wilbur). And if you needed butter; your wife churned that son of a bitch like nobody’s business (creating the first version of porn: “Did you see Lady Crane churning today? I almost popped mine pantaloons!”)

Actually, this still does it for me…

However, as populations grew, more people needed those same things. Eventually, it got to a point where we required all this stuff, but either no one wanted to produce them, or it would cost too much (since people had become a custom to a certain standard of living, you couldn’t keep them locked up in a damp basement, with no windows, for 16 hours a day, sewing buttons onto blouses). So, the powers that be (CEOs of large companies, investors and Chuck Norris) needed to figure out how to continue making all these items, but do it quick and cheap, without subjecting North Americans to horrible working conditions.

One day, while brain storming ideas in the pub, (where all good ideas come from) someone fell down drunk and knocked the world map off the wall. Once regaining consciousness they noticed they were using the map as a blanket (and a puke bib). So, getting up and wiping the vomit stains away, this person noticed an area on the map known as “Asia.” It certainly looked big, maybe they could help out with this problem.

The next day, they called 1-800-WE-R-ASIA, and asked for some help…

“Sure, we help you long time!” Said the incredibly stereotypical Asian “You pay us money; we make Air Jordans all day!”

Products were being made and shipped for a low price and everyone was getting what they needed. All was good!

Until someone had the genius idea of exposing the incredibly shit-tastic conditions the Asians were working in. Party poopers!

Then everyone got all uppity about the mistreatment of people and started calling for heads on sticks (I imagine any old head would’ve done, except lettuce heads…No one cries over salad).

So conditions improve, in the factories you see on the news,( like a sex phone line, the poster has a hot chick, but you call and end up with a 45 year old, divorced wife from Texas, who smokes through her tracheotomy hole). So, everything’s all good again…Right?

Wrong!

With conditions appearing to improve, more companies outsourced their products to Asia because there was no longer a negative connotation with sending manufacturing overseas. This trend continues, eventually leading to the “Out of a Job Yet? Keep Buying Foreign” stickers that anger me so.

Problem: The reason the jobs are over there, is because people here wouldn’t do them for the pay offered. In order to have North Americans perform these tasks, they would have to be paid a respectable wage, with benefits and unions and access to a coffee machine and working toilet. If you give them that, then the cost of the product goes up to recoup the amount of money used to manufacture the item and pay the person. And in my experience…One thing people hate doing, is paying more for shit when they can get it on the cheap.

“Screw you guys, I’m going home…”

 I see a large majority of these stickers on cars. But, did these people ever realize car plants are a great source of jobs for North Americans? Even jobs at plants for Asian makes of car! Also, some parts of the North American brands are produced in Asia, so still not buying local. The actual sticker should be “Got a Job Yet? You’re Welcome! Signed Toyota!”

Bottom line, you want more jobs in North America? You’ve got to be willing to pay higher prices. Want lower prices? You’ve got to be willing to accept that jobs will be outsourced.

Yours in common sense, (with a job)

Kyle