Dear Hipsters;
I’m writing this letter on behalf of the people who are sick of hearing that what we like and enjoy, isn’t cool because too many people like and enjoy it too…

I need to request that you either go back to being emo-kids, (who are also annoying, but at least they sit quietly, crying in the corner) or just (and this is preferable) find a hole somewhere, hide in it, until you and your hipster-brethren, need to eat your plaid shirts for survival.

Plaid, not just fashionable…But nutritious!

The very “uniform” of the hipster baffles me…In what world would you accept a “style” that forces you to wear a toque in 20 degree weather (68 Fahrenheit for my American hipsters…Which makes sense, because most of the world is metric, so hipsters would use Fahrenheit, since it’s not “mainstream”…Yes I just called all of America hipsters…) In the same vein as the toque, what is with the scarves with every outfit? Scarves are to keep your neck warm in the winter months, not to be worn over a band t-shirt (for a band you’ve never gone to see, but your iTunes Genius suggested you might like them). I have a theory though, maybe you wear toques and or scarves in the warm weather because you look to the Inuit for your fashion ideas…If this is the case, and you really want to stand out and be hip with something no one else wears…Why not rock the mukluks?

Moving from the cold weather items, worn in the summer…We travel down to your skinny jeans. I have personally always loved lose fitting clothing, I find them more comfortable, but I also get that it’s a personal preference. However, that being said…Skinny jeans have gone too far. The pants you hipsters wear look like you would need lube just to shimmy into them. Or perhaps, you just bought the two halves of the pants, and then in a special back change room, used only for hipsters, they sew the two sides together, forever trapping you in your skinny jeans…Forever that is, until you need the jaws of life to remove you, when being a hipster is no longer in fashion. I have an idea to help you hipsters (I’m nothing, if not a problem solver…), that would be easier than lubing up the legs on a daily basis…Get jeans tattooed on your legs…The ultimate skinny jeans, considering how small and chicken-like your legs are.

Is this a chicken…Or a hipster? I can’t tell…

As if your attire wasn’t enough of an annoyance, your hipster plague has spread, and infected one of my favourite beverages…Pabst Blue Ribbon beer…When did this become “hipster juice?” To me it has always been an excellent social lubrication, and by “social lubrication” I mean “get me drunk, cheap, so I can make stupid choices”…Hey, maybe that’s how this hipster thing started…They got drunk, and made a stupid choice to be a douche. If anything, Pabst is a redneck drink…Which is another group of idiots…But alas, that’s a discussion for another time…

Is this who you hipsters want to be?

Now, in reading this, you may assume I would rather have you go along with the status quo, and be just like everyone else…This is certainly not the case, I’m all for being an individual, let your freak flag fly! However, you’re not being an “individual,” you just left one group of sheep for another heard…If you REALLY want to be different and express your individuality, I suggest taking it to a whole other level…Get a bizarre pet, like a spider monkey, or a duck-billed platypus, then teach it to attack people’s eyes. Then you should probably wear something very different, like lederhosen and a moo-moo dress. As for your choice of beverage…I suggest mixing spoiled milk and tequila…No one else will being drinking that at the party, you’ll be no doubt going to, in someone’s parent’s basement…So you can hang out with girls who have two sips of a Bacardi Breezer and claim to be “sooooo drunk…”

So in conclusion, please stop ruining things I like, but no longer wish to do, or enjoy, because I do not wish to be seen as a lame, “super individual, who is actually a follower,” hipster.

Yours in a toque, because its winter,