I’m writing this letter on behalf of everyone who is sick of tip toeing through a conversation for fear of opening Pamela’s Box (Pamela is Pandora’s younger, more easily offended sister. And instead of opening the box and releasing unspeakable evil upon the world, if you open Pamela’s Box you release judgement and condemnation over minor issues).

I will tell you right off the bat that I am a VERY hard person to offend. Off the top of my head, the things that offend me most include: poverty, terribly stupid people who have better lives than me, and Justin Bieber. Poverty offends me because we could, if we tried hard enough, probably do something about it, but instead we spend money on Justin Bieber’s “music.” Terribly stupid people with better lives than me are also offensive because I’ve tried to be a good person and that hasn’t improved my life a ton, my job status or the amount of money I have in the bank. Yet despite trying to be good, there are shitty, awful people, who sleep better at night than I do, (probably on a waterbed of gold, filled with Bengal tiger semen, under blankets made of woolly mammoth hair…Or whatever rich people sleep on). These things are offensive to me because they seem unjust and they shouldn’t happen in this day and age. However, that being said…I can kind of get over these things. You have to, otherwise you’re going to spend your entire life living in a pit of despair, A.K.A. Detroit. 

And that's the rich neighbourhood!

And that’s exactly my point for easily offended people. Get over it. Consider some of the other things going on in the world like murder, rape, genocide or the fact the McRib is only around for a limited time.

When you think of any of those things, does a guy dropping the C-bomb or someone saying a vaguely racist thing in jest, really seem to matter?

If you are easily offended, you’ve got to be aware of it. You don’t just run around swearing and flinging N-words, (I’m of course talking about “nincompoop”) all throughout your life, then one day wake up and go “woah! That’s offensive.” So the easily offended people who go to things like comedy shows boggle my mind (even more than why people like Hilary Swank). Name me three famous clean comics… There’s a reason you came up blank — clean comedy isn’t funny.

Knock, knock…

Who’s there?


Eggplants can’t knock on doors…

I’ll give you a minute to change your pants after the accident you must’ve just had from that side splitter… 


Moving on to people who are offended by violent video games or movies with adult content. Most of these people appear to have some sort of religious reasoning behind their distaste for these things, which makes less sense than using toaster oven as an air conditioner. Have you people even read the bible? If that shit was made into a video game, it wouldn’t get a “Mature” rating, it would be “X Rated.” The bible makes beating a hooker to death with a bat in Grand Theft Auto and stealing her pimp’s money, look like a clown rolling around in a meadow filled with fuzzy bunnies and baby ducklings.

I’d also like to touch on people offended by something I use frequently…”Fowl language.” The whole notion behind being so easily offended by “bad words,” combinations of letters arranged into a word-like thingy, is a bunch of shit. These words are there to allow us to better express ourselves, like if you were to stub your toe, saying “fuck, cock, horse shit eating table leg!” will do more for you than, “I’m sorry table leg, I should not have been so careless and watched more where I was going. I hope you are okay, and I understand why you just broke my toe.” If there are words we aren’t supposed to say, then why do we even have them? Easily offended people are basically saying that there are these words, they are excellent for expressing yourself…But, you can’t use them. It would be like me asking you what your favourite food is, steak perhaps, and then you can no longer have steak…Ever. But, each day you have to watch me eat steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner, right there in front of you, so close you can almost taste it…But you’re not allowed to have it, ever. 

No steak for you . . .

Now, I’ll take a look at people such as myself, someone who will just randomly say things like, “fuck nuggets.” I use that language because you don’t hear it as often and it allows me to express myself different than the rest of the sheep. However, if this language just became an acceptable way to interact with each other, we would probably hear it less as it wouldn’t be shocking, and people love to get shocked and shocked big. (Like walking in on Ernest Borgnine doing the butt-floss move with the towel after his shower).

Enjoy your nightmares!

If you easily offended people were to simply relax, you would realize that words are just words, whether they are said as a joke or with the intention to hurt. If you stop being so easily offended by them, they will lose their hurting ability. Basically, you will have neutered those words…Taken the balls off “balls.”

Sincerely fucking yours, (hope that didn’t offend you)

Fuck Nuggets…I mean, Kyle