they gave us ten thousand dollars. we each had a room with a table and two chairs. we were asked to open up bodies. they gave me a man and a woman to work with. the white woman got on the table. she had on shorts and a white shirt. she had brown and black toe nails. she had a short beard on her chin. the brown man had his left hand on her temple and said he was there for her. the woman was shaking. she wanted the brown man to tell her a story. the brown man wanted me to ly on her. she had the same disease that i had. she was worse off than myself. her mind had been affected. i was scared i was going to crush her. i stuck my tongue in her mouth. she started laughing. i got an erection. i climbed on her. my long legs were longer than her and the table. my penis was in between her knees. she bit my tongue. my penis softened. the brown man said that we both would die. the white woman embraced me. i’m bored, the brown man said. i wanted to know where he was from. i’m from the netherlands, he said. it was like he had read my mind. i didn’t care to know where the white woman was from. i’m from the west, she said. why didn’t the brown man from the netherlands have the disease? he had blue marks on his hands as if a pen had leaked. i didn’t care about dying. i had no one. my wife and my daughter had left me a long time ago. you shouldn’t isolate yourself the brown man said. your disease the brown man, said. you can’t tell what is real and isn’t real. you want to
kill. i don’t trust myself, i said. i haven’t for some time.
they wanted me not to engage the white woman and the brown man. they said that i had done well. i could have helped the brown man had i penetrated his thoughts.
they sent me to another room that looked like the room i had been in.
this time they sent me a black man. he looked african. he had three sweaters and a blue headscarf on. i had to adjust the temperature in the room. he said he had been in libya. he wanted to go to germany. they said that i was to get the name from him. i sat down and faced him across the table. what’s the name, i said. the name, he said. yeah motherfucker, i said. give me the name. i don’t know what you mean, he said. do you want to go to germany, i said. yes, he said. i can help you, i said. okay, he said. what’s the name, i said. i fucked a woman and i gave her the disease, i said. she died a horrible death. many are still dying from aids in my country, the black man said. the men don’t want to use rubbers. i can help you i said. what is the name, i said. they want the name and i won’t fail them. i want to be right. they said i should kill as many as possible and i did. i didn’t want to kill anymore. they didn’t stop me. i left. they said they understood me and cared about me. i returned to them. they said they wanted to use me. i wanted to be of service. i’m bored, the black man said.
they said i was needed in another room. i felt like i had done something wrong. i decided not to feel disappointed or sad, that i would have a break through in another room. it felt like i was holding my breath under water.
he sat there with his clean profile. he ate eggs he had boiled the night before and a coffee. he wrote notes into a black notebook. he had to organize his thoughts.he was a modest and a good man. i’m a modest man he thought to himself. they are going to study me. i can’t do this shit anymore, i said. i don’t know what they want from me. they send me men and women. i feel like i’m infecting them. they get sick and they die and i live.