when did i see amanda? i saw her on monday. today is wednesday. it feels like she is still with me. when are we going to make sense? i can’t say i know what she does. she does what she does. what do you do?
i want to be more sensitive about my hearing. what is hearing?
i want to give this writer/nanny on twitter money. she asks for it on line. she has an app square cash i can use to pay her. there’s something about her i don’t like she complains like a writer does. she thinks men need to do something to have sex with her. she thinks they are lazy.
my skin is getting old. it is wrinkled. i like it. i like the idea of getting old white and bloodless. i have no blood in my penis.
i have nowhere to be. i have no one to see. i want to order a t-shirt on line. i forget the name of the designer. i have had this one t-shirt for years. i need another one like it.
she’s a writer/nanny. she found a child bleeding. she has migraines and insomnia. amanda has migraines. she’s going to see a neurologist next monday. i said i would bring her flowers today but i won’t be able to. we recently had a conversation about her superior intelligence. she likens herself to my sister and me to her obese brother who wasn’t able to live up to his father’s expectations. i want to be the nanny/writer’s benefactor. she calls herself a feminist and a renegade jew. i though she was in her early twenties but she’s in her thirties. she has a large long handsome nose.
i have a feeling it’s her father’s nose. she likes men and women. she likes nerdy men. apparently, they are not easy to come by. i think i will give her a hundred dollars. i can’t message her on twitter because she hasn’t followed me back. i wonder if she will follow me if i give her a hundred dollars or if she will announce to her followers that i gave it to her. she’s not especially attractive. i like the idea of giving her money and her not doing anything for it, not even thanking me for it, as if giving the money is a nothing.
i typed my credit card number into the square cash app. i thought it sensible to give her ten dollars. i’m curious how she will receive my ten dollars. will she hate me because i’m not a  a feminist? she was raped many years ago and has ptsd from it. i feel better after having given her the ten dollars for her gas money. this square app has my card number. i have to check my account to make sure money doesn’t vanish from it.
i eavesdrop.
the building is like a death star, the good looking balding black man said.
he is with a slight good looking asian woman. they are with each other in this unyielding dilatory world. they are happy to look at the face that talks back to them
that’s the shit a manager has to look for, the balding black man said.
they are talking about money and shifts.
is there anyone there, the slight asian woman said. claire is the shit. i knew her even before you. she’s the shit. every year she would buy ten dollars of taco bell. i think she ordered from a dollar menus. i could see the package in the micro wave ten years ago. taco bell was cheaper. you’re the only person i know.
i looked at the chinese woman twice. i won’t look at her again for a while. i don’t want to disturb her. she knows i looked at her. she felt my look.
you know what is funny, the balding black man said. i was sitting and golden girl was on t.v.. the old lady buys a thousand tooth brushes. that was the moral of the story. they’re old ladies.
people have no self control, the slight asian woman said.
i like the sound of her voice. her words are easy to hear. she likes to talk about herself. she leads the conversation while the others jump in.
i like it, the slight asian woman said. i know that it turns some people off.
artificial mango flavor. yeah, yeah, yeah. i don’t know what it is. watermelon. i think of it as the combo ones. those are japanese.
i think she’s japanese, not chinese. she could be black and chinese. she has a boyfriend.
the handsome balding black dude is her friend. maybe they will be lovers. they look like they should be. they have a healthy glow and they talk with gusto.
the balding black dude has a beard. he has an apposite voice.
she has a talked over voice.