j went to bishops on hawthorne to get a short dapper haircut. he looks
like a soldier. he has an upright bearing. i think he can fuck repeatedly. if i ever
sleep with a man it will be a young man like j. i have kissed a dude. men have wider and bigger mouths than women. the transexual i kissed had a wide mouth. the kissing was intimate and delicate. it made me curious if women felt this when they kissed a man.
why was it important for me to know how a woman felt?

i have two molars that need to be removed. i went to see on oral
surgeon. he said he would only remove the molars if he can put an iv in my arm.
i said that i wanted to be present. he said my blood pressure is too high. my wife divorced me i said. he gave me penicillin for a week and a pain killer. i have to see a
physician to get the blood pressure under control and then the surgeon will only use
novocaine to remove the teeth. the surgeon looks like the director of my art program who by now is a sanguine old man. we are the same age. he looked at least ten years older because of his authority and blue medical garb. i think psychologically i’m ten years younger than men my age. men who are my age look to me older than myself. i don’t think they think i’m their age. i have a young look but that is changing. i don’t want to look after my health so that i can live. the surgeon is a man who has the confidence of his peers and his patients. he probably could talk me into any kind of operation he has in mind. these men can persuade you with a nod or a look followed by sound information. he has earnest eyes, fuzzy blonde hair, thick wrists, and wide shoulders. i don’t know why i disagreed with him. i think it was how he and his science made me feel like i was going to die and that it was my fault and that it could be avoided if he sedated me.
i can work with the sedation the surgeon said. i can’t guarantee that there won’t be cloudy areas.
the poor must die from bad teeth, i said. the diseased teeth affect the heart and the brain.
yeah, the surgeon said.
There is a link between bad teeth and mental illness, i said. I’m convinced
i don’t get to see my daughter before she leaves for palm springs. some writer said life is a long series of goodbyes. i don’t get to see her for a week. i hate myself for neglecting my blood pressure.
now at our age we will see people we know dropping from strokes and heart attacks, the healthy looking surgeon said.
my ex won’t give me the name of the clinic nor the physician i saw.
a ups man in his brown jumpsuit came in to have j sign a receipt.
i wanted to ask the red beard about where there is a good physician but i
saw j was there and not the red beard and decided not to ask him. i was
surprised that i didn’t trust j to give me a referral.
the red beard goes to zoom care, his insurance doesn’t cover anything.