The photo above is the work of PETA.

I’m writing this letter on behalf of all the people in the world who eat meat, (tasty, tasty meat), and are sick of you trying to make us feel guilty.

I am basically the physical form of the anti-PETA, just as Sarah Palin (or if you’re a Republican, Obama) can be seen as the modern day embodiment of Hitler (a MUCH better looking embodiment, if she has a mustache, she clearly bleaches it) I too, epitomize my fellow meat eaters.  I don’t (and have never) eaten much in the way of vegetables, and sure as hell haven’t eaten fruits, so I feel I have had adequate experience to be the representative for my carnivorous brethren.

I have addressed Vegans and Vegetarians before, stating that, though I do not approve of their choices, they are fine with me as long as I’m not exposed to them. Keep your soy-based ideas to yourself, and we’re all good. The same thing goes to religious people. Please feel free to keep your own beliefs, just don’t shove them down my throat like you’re trying to give me a tracheotomy, from the inside. However, PETA, you’ve become synonymous with wild and outlandish tactics used to shock people into agreeing with your beliefs. (Maybe that’s what religion was doing with the bloody, thorn of crowns, Jesus on the cross…)

Yawn!

At the time of writing this letter, I have seen and heard of numerous campaigns of yours to get people’s attention. These have included naked people (hot, by the way… Though, if people are like me, the message gets lost among the boobies). Another attempt to infect the masses with “Virus PETA,” included humans in cages. There may have been more to it, but I just kept thinking “damn there’s more room in that cage than in economy class on an airplane.”

However, a more recent incident by you was the straw that broke the camel’s back! (A camel I will later eat)

There was a man who was bitten by a 9-foot bull shark while spear fishing, and is now recovering with 700 to 800 stitches in his leg. And your response (just three days after this event) was a billboard featuring a shark, with a human leg dangling out of its mouth, that says “Payback is Hell” then states “Go Vegan.”

I am a pretty hard guy to offend, (so save your “yo mama” jokes for someone else), but even I thought this was in poor taste. I get that you are using “shock and awe” to get people’s attention, but how about a little respect for humanity? You preach respect for animals, yet don’t give it to fellow humans (who are also animals by the way). This guy wasn’t down by the water with a live seagull on a string, dangling it in front of hungry sharks, but snatching it away at the last minute. If that were the case, the shark would’ve gotten my thumbs up.

Also, you lost me on your train of thought. Sure, the man was in the shark’s element while spear fishing (and since that is the case, I’m not mad at the shark for doing what a shark does), but what is this “payback” for? Yes, sharks are hunted for sport, and I’m not really on board with that. But it’s not like the sharks are mad because we humans eat a lot of cows, pigs, chickens or even tuna (dolphins I could see being pissed about the tuna net thing). There is no online community for animals to post about how they are being mistreated, and that any other animals with the opportunity to harm humans should do so.

Chickens are not tweeting, from the farms that supply KFC, “super cramped in here! Hot as bawls! Deploy the sharks #fuckcolonelsanders.”

There’s no Facebook for animals, saying “Like this page if you no longer want to see cows being eaten left right and centre!”

Nor is there an online forum for our bovine friends to air their grievances, (Rump Roast Posts? Udderly? I actually really like the idea of a cow forum called “Udderly”).

I don’t get the shark being used as the demonstration of payback, we don’t farm sharks to eat, and in the realm of mistreated animals, sharks are pretty far down the list. I could understand if you had a cow, eating a hamburger, and the patty was a human (Uh oh, think I just gave you an idea for your next billboar) It wasn’t an act of “payback” it was nature, nature attacking other nature. Naturally.

Finally, I would like to remind you folks at PETA of something called the “food chain.” Heard of it? Well if you granola eating, hemp-wearing assholes had been in science class, instead of out playing hacky sack, you might have learnt about it.

Although I do understand the allure of a good sackin’ session…

The strongest, most well adapted animals end up at the top of the food chain. Plankton is eaten by crustaceans, which are then eaten by fish, which can be swallowed up by bigger fish, which then maybe get eaten by a human, if a shark or a bear doesn’t get there first. Humans are generally at the top, however, in certain situations, we can easily be bumped down. A person swimming in the ocean is easily shark food. A man shitting in the woods, who comes face to face with a 400 pound grizzly bear, and doesn’t have a gun, is in some serious trouble (little known fact: grizzly bears prefer flannel to Gor-Tex). So, just as humans eat chickens, there are plenty of things that’ll chomp down on some Homo sapien steaks, if given the opportunity.

Being the meat-eater I am, I’d try a medium to well-done Homo sapien.

Animals just do what they’re going to do. We have MUCH less control over them than we humans think. Just watch “When Animals Attack.”

I hope I have cleared up a few of your logical fallacies, and maybe shown you the error of your ways. There are far more important causes that could desperately use your time and support. Off the top of my head, cancer research, solving world hunger, designing a better mousetrap or teaching one-armed, schizophrenic midgets, how to make balloon animals (think of the things they would create…) All of these would be a better use of your time.

Yours in carnivorous pleasure, with blood dripping down my chin,

Kyle