I’m writing this letter on behalf of people who have watched your show and have been able to blow past the sappy bullshit, to realize that something just ain’t quite right.

On the surface your show seems like a dream come true for one very lucky and deserving family. You appear to be very generous and appear all sweet, like an ice cream sandwich. But if you gaze between those tasty, chocolaty, cookie end pieces, you realize that instead of a delicious ice cream middle, its gross and salty…because its platypus semen.

First of all, you build a big, huge house with all sorts of luxuries and extremely extravagant touches, which any reasonable person would love. However, you typically build this Playboy Mansion, for a family that was barely getting by. This means you have now given them the burden of covering massive property and utility bills…you might as well have made the “prize” a self-loathing, schizophrenic, menopausal dragon.

Talk about hot flashes!

Sure, it’s cool as hell to be able to say “want to come over and see my dragon?” (And not have it be a euphemism for sex), the novelty will wear off pretty frickin’ quick when you have to take care of it. Especially, because you will always be trying to boost its self-esteem (by constantly reassuring the beast that it doesn’t need a “wing job” to compete with younger dragons). You’ll also have to learn to tame the other dragon voices in its head…which is perhaps one of the hardest things do to, considering one of them is a paranoid, conspiracy nut who thinks the post office controls our minds with the flu shot.

And don’t forget the monstrous responsibility of having to provide it with so much comfort food, you go broke (do you have any idea how many gallons of ice cream a dragon consumes when its biological clock is ticking?)

And finally, concerning your host, Mr. Ty Pennington…

I work in the construction and house framing trade, so I can speak from firsthand experience. I have never met or seen anyone in the business, as…to put it nicely, “camera ready” as yourself. Most workers, in the construction trade, are the type of people you’re perfectly fine with seeing only from a distance. However, if you must gaze upon them up close, you hope the encounter lasts less time than Heidi Montag’s music career.


So in summation, I would ask that perhaps you maybe dial this shit down a bit, for two reasons. One, you are actually creating more problems than you appear to be solving. And two, perhaps instead of going bat-shit insane with trying to make the houses you build so over the top, just help out the family with what they truly NEED. This would be better twofold, because not only do you still help the families and get to keep that audience that appears to be addicted to seeing others be “rescued” (making them feel better about doing fuck-all with their lives). But, you could also help out MORE families…It seems like a win-win to me.

Yours truly, sick of your fake generosity,