the doc talks about his horse. i’m glad he loves his animal. i don’t especially care about them. i know its good to like them. i liked my ex wife’s dog because it was her dog.
at a certain point i think people want me to fail or to do well and i doubt myself.
i haven’t showered for four days. i wear my orange hat indoors.
they want me to talk to this woman. she has deep lines in her face.
i record her story with my i phone: i’m going to…
why do they do this to me and my family. what have i done? i done nothing.
no one is left. i have no one to hate. i don’t even feel sad. there isn’t a human face to this, what they have done. the earth isn’t what it was. i can’t grow anything in it. you tell me to talk. i don’t even know why i should talk. you tell me i don’t have to say anything. i don’t think you know what you want. you have hundreds of thousands of recordings. fuck your recordings. you think i’m different now that i have survived. you think i’m ugly and i can’t enjoy anything. they want to know what happened. a big nothing is what happened. it didn’t happen. i’m not scared  like i was. they stabbed him in the face. they took a photo of his head. they gave me the photo. they play with the photo. in my dream i’m in my dead father’s house, the one i grew up in. the bathroom is like a cold cellar. i don’t want to go inside it because i’m scared i’m going to get locked in by my father. i have this dream because i’m scared they are going to lock me in. they are going to lock me in and make me believe that they are the only ones who can set me free. the more i talk to you the dumber i get. they are going to finish the show and send in the mindless fuck puppet. my mother was lying on the table for diaper changing. the toilet was overflowing with shit. i was compromised. i was in my room with the fuck puppet. i want that woman the fuck puppet said. that woman is mine the puppet said. she has to be mine. she sucks the cock. she is on the cock. what in god’s fuck is this. this is god’s fuck. this is god’s show. where does my cock go. it goes inside her. i refuse to see it. what does it look like. it looks like a dick. you don’t know where you are heading. you want to see where it goes. you are out there. you expect to hear a voice. the voice will give you direction. you think you don’t hear it because you are scared. they want to know what i heard. i’m telling what i saw. i didn’t hear anything. they push you to the edge hoping that they will hear what they want to hear.i don’t have any idea how i remember the numbers for my debit card, my zip codes, cell number, house line number, passwords…i don’t have a system. i usually choose random numbers but once i have used them i never forget them. it is how i remember these numbers that save me.