Y is a big city fire.
The surveyor pokes Y’s eye with his index finger when he points out a landmark. It was happening all along.
An ugly woman tells the impostor Y who in every way flouts convention that he is smart to sleep with him. They may snuff Y, the oddball, because he doesn’t make sense. He is such a waste of a human being that he isn’t even worth spending the effort it takes to kill someone.
A pushes my buttons when I lose my cool or I insult her I regret it.
I try to make up to her by paying for her ADHD medication Adderall and Chantix to help her quit smoking.
A sent a pic of a gory nazi pirate biker brother to scare me.
He looks tough I said.
He is A said. I put out a cigarette on his face and he only gave me
a mean look.
When I do the house chores after having neglected them for
two or three weeks I sweat profusely and feel dizzy like I’m doing heavy labor.
I saw Y on E burnside, he looked like an older man in his sixties I know who is a zen buddhist and a sexual sadist which is not as uncommon as one would think in the North West. He had some hair on the side of his head and his shoulders were very wide. His eyes had a damask interior with antechambers.
A conflates her roles of sex worker, mother, and herself.
Which one are you I said.
I’m all of them A said. I’m love.
If a woman wanted nothing to do with you, felt you were a zero, a total waste of space, an impediment would it anger you A said.
A is a mind fuck. She has huge man hands and thyroid popping eyes.I have to remember she is always right. If I call her on her shit she loses it like a narcissist and threatens to cut me from her life. I have to think ten steps ahead of her but I’m only capable of thinking one thought at a time and lose track of the preceding thoughts, especially when I’m zapped by A’s power games that I can never win. Someone taught her the domination con and she applies it like a programmed bitch, not necessarily even understanding how see through it is. The power actually comes from how transparent the con is.
A thinks I have fetishized humiliation and shame to get turned on.
She is shameless with the psychobabble. Your father did wrong by you, A said.
Yes, I said.
Your parents often failed you when you ached for love, A said.
Yes I murmured.
I feel I’m a vagina and asshole to you A said. I’m not. I am Love.
I love you A I said.
No you don’t, A said.
You care for me A said.
What is your diagnosis, A said.
I’m a sociopath I said.
I have insight A said. Borderline personality disorder. Axis 2.
I hate you don’t leave me syndrome.
You have zero emotional intelligence A said.
Bullshit I said. I love you. You’re such a cunt. Kick me in the nuts dumb ass.
I can’t help you A said. I don’t know how to process you.
The sex workers I have been involved with bandy the words misanthrope, loner and depressive when we disagree strongly and name call one another. They know how to turn the table very quickly when I try to change the game and try to make it more personal than they like. I think I am looking for the dirty whore with a pure heart. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Mostly I’m looking to tremble in fear and hope.
I’m a protestant. I’m enchanted by evil.
A is the only person I know who flogged Y.
I just flogged a man who resembled David Justice a former NY Yankee who was married to Halle Berry, said A.