i want to control her because she never looks at me how i want she never does what i want she lies down in the wrong way she talks too much when she talks i hate the sound of her voice she says she can’t please me because she is mentally ill. i thought it would be easier to posses her when she was ill. it became harder. she misrepresented herself. she didn’t complete her thought. she ended one thought halfway with the next thought. she stayed in her bed most of the day. i used to believe her now i think she wants to hurt me on purpose so that i can’t be with anyone else she wants to ruin me for everyone else like her father did when he killed himself he gave up on her the way my father gave up on me i don’t give up on her i don’t know how. i mean something to her without knowing what i do for her she has muscular thighs and calves i can understand them i don’t understand her face that looks like an east european village sometimes i make her laugh in disbelief it’s the only time i feel hope otherwise she is impossible to move what does she want from me? she needs to use my shower. in three weeks she won’t have one. she’s going to live in her volvo. lenny fucks her in it and then he goes back to his house. he doesn’t want her she’s difficult and violent i don’t want her she’s too unwanted for me she scares me not to be bored for five minutes she could do something untoward like start a fire in my house. where is my mind? i can find it without an object. i can’t find it. my mind is slow, it’s slowing down. there is no room for awareness. the room and my body are one space. there are doctors walking in the space and one lawyer. i walk up the stairs looking for my mother. she’s in another hall with a giant. she doesn’t want me to find her. she doesn’t like children. i know if i cry i will never find her. i don’t find her until i descend. the giant makes rainbows with two colors. two wolves bite into my side. my wife is sleeping on her back so that she can snore and talk in her sleep. she has another husband. he doesn’t know about me. he’s an alien. he’s an auditor in another galaxy. he has ten children. my wife has told me not to tell him about us. she said they don’t divorce in her husband’s galaxy. i have to see my zoom doctor tomorrow. he’s going to want me to take another medication. i will refuse it.