l feel neglected. I contract my nose and foot. I want to give in but I only have the
clinical gaze and Amy’s anger.
The word love is overused Amy said. I didn’t know if what she said was her thought
or the thought of the novelist Pynchon. She studied his books. Recently on a dead of winter night we went to see the film Inherent Vice based on Pynchon’s novel. I like Pynchon’s brand of paranoia.
Amy refuses to say she loves me in English. She only says it in Spanish and French.
I thought telling Amy I loved her early was a good way to see if I still could love.
You didn’t like to be with me in public Amy said. What do you want to tell me? You can’t even look at me. You look like you want to tell me something.
I felt ashamed for her and myself. I was dejected. I needed to be alone.
You look weird she said.
You look weird I said. I felt like an idiot mirroring her.
I want you to stay I said.
I should go she said. Something didn’t go right. It’s okay you can’t help it.
We’ve had dates before when she judged and assessed my shortcomings overtly. I knew it was implausible for two sadomasochists to have a healthy relationship. I thought that we could find light in the darkness but Amy doesn’t have the stomach for it. She doesn’t want to live forever, but she does want to be healthy for her remaining years.
You think too much I said. Amy analyzes our moments as it is happening. She talks about what she thinks has happened is happening and will happen. I like to have her.
You can stay if you like I said.
If I like she said.
She did say when we first met that she is difficult.
Do you want me to be here she said.
How does ten thousand a month sound to you I said.
Great Amy said. I make do with four thousand.
Good I said.
She smiled the vivacious smile that made her look young and feline.
I had nothing to say. I had nothing left to give. I was empty and ashamed.
I felt aroused when I kissed Amy’s eyes cheeks and mouth.
I wished she had made the kale and the pork loin she said she would make but decided she would save it for a dinner without me.
I like the idea of Amy feeling ashamed when she dances for me.
I don’t want Amy to know what I feel even though she knows how I feel about her in general. She gets irritated about vagaries she can’t bother to clarify because it is self evident.
Alex may have been fired. It’s a sunny windy Portland day. I know she’s out there looking for me with her psychic mind reading capability and xray vision, and possibly a firearm. She blames me for thwarting her. She said she was disappointed when she wasn’t fired, that it would be a boring day.
When Amy manipulates she does it so artlessly that I pity her.
Your writings are more than impressions, Amy said.
I feel you want to make me jealous to tie me to you, Amy said.
Amy mixes up the signals.
Amy’s eyelashes signal yes no yes no no no yes yes.
Amy gets confused because she misreads the signals. She thinks hate is love and love
The men in my life have mistreated me Amy said.
Who I said.
You have Amy said.
I don’t think so I said.
You’re a misogynist, the twice divorced Amy said. When are you happy. You are never happy. There was the one time at the Virginia cafe that you had good energy.
Maybe you would do better without a man I said.
I have been the happiest when I was without one Amy said.
What about a woman I said.
It doesn’t make a difference Amy said.
Have you ever been happy Amy said. I look to be happy.
Why do you even see me Amy said.
I always knew Amy would lose faith. From the first day I knew her she questioned my mental stability, the amount of money I have, and how long my fingernails are.
Amy studied Pynchon in college and the transmarginal. In her late forties she
fund raised and wrote persuasive writing for scientists. She felt guilty about the one
witty and dapper scientist’s use of defenseless monkeys to test his latest cure for aids.
I can stand up to Amy for five minutes. Any longer and I lose my nerve.
Amy has a thousand compartments. I take Zoloft she said. It makes me complacent.
The last three women you saw you gave money Amy said. The Domme, Viva, and
I don’t know why Amy omitted herself from the list. She was the first to talk about
money and wanted to know how much I had. Her tone was flat and cold when I told her that the money I have is not easy to get to because of my lawyers.