if a is in love with me how can she not see me for days?
i was going out of my mind from loneliness. i sent my ex texts instructing her
how to be a good mother.
amanda and i don’t talk about what we are going to do tomorrow or later this week. she doesn’t tell me what her schedule is this week. i’m looking at a void.
i decide not to text her until she tells me what she wants to do. i don’t mind if she decides when i see her. i like it when she keeps me in the dark. hopefully she torments me so that i feel deeply.
amanda lifts her tongue when i kiss her and i lick it. she raises her knee. it squashes my balls and i get to hump it.
your dick, amanda said.
it was growing in her hand.
i haven’t seen it like this, amanda said.
amanda’s hair smelled like airplane fuel.
i started the parenting on line class. i have sixty days to complete it. if you
get divorced the state of oregon thinks it has to educate you on how to be a parent
because you failed as a husband or wife. i find it demeaning. everyone i talk to thinks it’s effective.
in my dream i was falsely accused by a teacher for corrupting the student body. i threatened to end her career. my mother took her side. her eyes were gleaming. am i crazy, i said. no you’re not, my mother said. you know there is something wrong with you, she said.
amanda thinks my ex and I are codependent. I think she and her ex are co conspirators.
amanda is fascinated by human behavior. she’s really a sociologist. i don’t understand why she’s a marketer. i’m her sub-culture.
there were two suits, amanda said. they were hitting on me and my friend.
yes, i said.
my old friend and lover anne said i use silence like a weapon. i wonder if she still is fucking the social worker. i haven’t talked to her since she started going to see him play indoor soccer in december.
amanda usually is with a friend or a group. on occasion she goes to a bar by herself.
i have an image of her nursing a beer and a stale conversation.
i ignored them, she said. i talked to a gay black man. he was obese. he had a gap in his teeth. he wanted to go home. he felt out of place. i like talking to oddballs.
i’m not an oddball, i thought.
the black woman criticized the white people at the conference for being white and talking down to blacks, amanda said.
i had an image of a fat black woman talking down to the predominantly white folk at a conference in d.c. on food. why was she fat in my mind?
the whites are the ones to get the funding and then treat minorities like children.
amanda is sensitive to equal rights. after all she doesn’t like to be told what to do with her money. she too has been oppressed by righteous men like myself.
when the very skinny woman cleans the tables near my table i worry that she is going to read my screen and i will have to kill her.
i reminded myself to take my medication and i forgot to take it. i feel shaky. i will have to take it when i get back to my apartment. i have to get off this medication. it is going to explode my heart. it is going to hurt like a motherfucker when i quit it. but maybe the quitting it will be stronger than the pain.