he saw that he was the one they were looking for. they said he was the black man they were looking for. he was not black. he was brown. they said he was brown. he was scared for the first time in his life. he knew youtube and entertainers on television were assimilating the hardcore violence done to blacks so that nothing was done about it. it was being processed and accepted. it would only make it easier for them to kill him. have i seen that black kid with a man’s face before? i hope they don’t think i’m racist for looking at him. the mother is white. she has grey hairs. the kid reminds me of a kid i knew whose mother was brown, some people would have thought she was brown or white because they said she had white features, and his father was white.
i called a kid brown when he was black when i was a kid and he got very angry about it and i was worried and i felt stupid. i felt like he was going to hit me. i wouldn’t have defended myself not wanting to hurt him. he didn’t hit me when i felt he had the right to. i think he saw that i was confused and sorry. he went to a public school and i went to a private one. i didn’t speak much english at the time. it was as if i had made a grammatical error.
jacob is here. i like him. i thought he was jewish but he is catholic. i don’t think it matters these days if one is catholic or protestant or jewish or maybe it still does matter. it matters when there is strife. he has been standing in the back. we haven’t talked in forever. i think he stays with one book for awhile. i don’t think he ever finishes it. he replaces it with a new one. he’s more taken with the design of a book cover than he is with a name. he is going to be bald when he is in his thirties. i don’t say high to jacob he will only talk to me if i say high to him first i think it is a rule he lives by when he is working.
today i need to hear from sara. no one else but her. i want to know how her daughter is and how her daughter’s father is doing, if they are still living together. i remember her in the chinese restaurant and lying next to me and not wanting to do anything more than lying next to her. i haven’t talked to her in some time. i have a feeling she may not talk about her self because she resents me not having stayed in contact but usually she answers my questions when i ask them not having seen her for months. she says that we have a weird connection. i think she may be right. i do have a need to know what she has been doing. there is the time that i haven’t contacted her and there is everyday time. i can’t say i know when i’m aware of our time. it is a time that i share with other individuals i never see in person having to answer to other obligations in my life. there is another person i need to see. i haven’t seen her in some time. she’s the school teacher/ widow. she perversely asked me for permission to see a social worker when she was seeing me and i had refused her advances. i asked her to return a novel to me i had lent her written by a mexican author recommended by a famous ny poet on twitter i like who doesn’t follow me. i wouldn’t follow me if i was him. she will hold onto the novel. she is emotionally constipated. all this anger and sadness backs up in her system and explodes. she sends me passive aggressive texts from time to time.