Untitled(i want to get out of the game. i want to do something else, anything else. i want to read poems about the butterfly and the mossy forest by the romantic poets.)Uncategorized
she shows her film on her macbook. she has a white face and blond hair with dark roots. he has a brown face and black hair.
my installation art, she said.
`mario brothers has 300 features, he said. the game community is do it yourself.
she has a very nice laugh. he takes an interest in her. i don’t think i had a nice girl take an interest in me when i was in my early twenties.
it’s a very short film, she said. i can do it here. we don’t need the internet.
everything is malleable, he said. it’s an idea right now.
i know, she said.
i can’t stop harming people. i’m not a good person. it’s a disease. it has become a form of therapy. i have to do it. i think often of killing myself to liberate the women i torment but i don’t have the strength. someone stronger than me has to kill me. i thought y would end my life but he needs me to be dependent to feel good about himself. he likes to torment me. i like to earn. i’m good with the women that work for y. i can be tender and brutal. i think my mother gave me insight into how women feel and think. she was tender and brutal. she told me about all her pain and then said that i was a good for nothing. my ex saw i was going nowhere so she left me. when my mother was alive i stopped dealing drugs. she said that i broke her heart when she found out i sold heroin to children. it felt good to be needed even when my clients were dying. they were beyond help i thought. it has been five years since i last saw y kill a young woman in the city park. it’s distressing to have an influential man like y not help me. i want to get out of the game. i want to do something else, anything else. i want to read poems about the butterfly and the mossy forest by the romantic poets. i kept my mouth shut. he liked killing the young woman. she was indebted to him. he doesn’t care for loyalty. he’s paranoid. he won’t be happy until i kill a woman like himself. then i will have become a monster like himself. he thinks everyone wants to use him, i don’t think he has ever not used or been used by someone. i’m more upset about him not helping me than still having to pimp to survive. i feel humiliated. i broke nanny ten’s jaw when she didn’t want to clean a client’s basement. she hates basements. she said it had to do with slavery. the client is tall and gangly, a depressive. he likes to be lectured on mental hygiene and flossing when he eats a woman out. nanny ten gets naked and he lies on her with his flubby penis for an hour. we traffic girls and boys, y said. the young women are stunted. they never had a chance to develop mentally. they are easy to brain wash. i think about y sending me cryptic messages on line. is it safe? he said in one message. i long for you he said in another message. y and nanny 4 are thick as thieves. i never hear from nanny 4 unless i call her when i’m in trouble. i remind her of the past that she left behind. she manages y. stay away from them, my rotund lawyer said. y has high blood pressure. it affects his sight. i have an area that is blocked out, y said. sometimes i can’t see my hand in front of my face. they think i have bleeding in the brain. y doesn’t want to go under. he thinks he will end up in a coma.
how old were you when you first accepted cash for money, i said.
19, nanny 10, said.
did you like the power, i said.
loved it, nanny 10 said.
men will do anything for good pussy, nanny 10 said.
i feel like an italian or chinese poet living in exile who pissed off the government.
games, i said. great families vanish. great nations vanish.
are you talking to us, he said.
yeah, i said.
don’t listen to him, she said.
killing your darlings, he said. they made us do it in games. we do this design. we make something and we see how it went. we do it until we run out of money.
she laughs and he uses the word like.
like i said. like like like like like like like like like like like like like
this is the dead line and then you have a deadline, he said. if nothing else you have a portfolio.
i’m in my forties and they are in their early twenties. they talk about getting work when they get out of school. they are starting. i never started. they are dear. i like her sneakers and the black jeans she wears. she has her hair up in a ball.
five techs around a conference table. the tech is the new alpha.
gaming. he’s into games games games.
you have to change that mind state, he said.
yeah, i said.
production is learning to bother people in the nicest way, he said.
i think that is cool about games, she said. everything games.
they call it crunch, he said.
i can call myself a writer and a filmmaker, she said. i haven’t made anything. just make it!
i’m record everything they say. i miss many of the words. it’s all surface for me. there is no depth. there are no motives.
i don’t get the subtext. what’s next is the the subtext or seduction.
they exchange ideas. they exchange weaknesses, strengths, and tongues.
i feel you, he said. i did the same thing. i was doing full time. i can’t do it.
yeah, yeah, she said.
the art of war, she said.
yeah, the war of art, he said.
yeah, i want to read that, she said.
in the psychology of play, he said.
will it ever happen for us, she said.
i need a community, she said.
even small games take like two years to make, he said.
they exchange dreams.
the words repeat themselves in my mind: know what i mean, i like games, war, art, crunch, brainstorm, paid, like, you know, you know what i mean, and then, then, games, more games, dead lines, time, adventure games, adventure, analyzing mental illness games, interaction game, socially conscious game, analyzing mental illness game, how people interact game, project, that’s the thing, kill your darlings, kill your darlings, community, game, games that make you feel, games that are not about winning, games for depression, games to train, games for entertainment, games, war, art, more games, deadline, community,team player, psychology art, small games, big games, film, sneakers, career,
she takes notes. he talks.
i want to make games like that, she said.
i don’t think playing has to be fun, he said. you have to want to do it. if it’s too easy or if it’s too challenging it’s no good. you want to keep them in the middle. i want to make a game that induces the zone.
i want to be in the zone, i said.