good boy, a said. that’s a good boy. use my leg. use it.
a licked my upper lip and teeth. i sucked on her neck, breast, and tongue.
i stuck my finger in her asshole.
i have a song on my mind, a said. girlfriend in a coma by morrissey.
a played it on her iphone. the lyrics were scandalous.
you think i hate women, i said. I smiled.
no, a said.
she played beautiful south.
he kills his wife, a said. and dry walls her. he starts to hear her voice. she haunts him.
my cock was very hard. i wanted to fuck her but she doesn’t like rubbers and v.d..
i held onto her thigh.
a doesn’t want to hurt me. it’s beneath her.
after our argument a didn’t think i wanted or needed her. she is diffident about us. a has regrets. she doesn’t want to miss out on any more opportunities. she would like to work for patagonia or travel to africa. she gets sad and nostalgic when she’s in love, if in fact she is in love, she’s never sure.
i have low self esteem. maybe i can improve it by getting control of my blood pressure and diet.
if your ex wanted you back you would be with her in a heart beat, a said.
i can’t say, i said.
we had chinese. our waitress took our order. she had a broad nose and wide wrists. i had shrimp and lobster sauce, hot and sour soup, egg rolls, and a coke. a had some of my soup. she is starving herself for me, herself and society. she wants to get on my diet i don’t always follow. there was a large chinese family and other chinese diners.
a was supposed to see her friend and her husband. she was going to have dinner with them, drink heavily and sleep in one of the unused rooms at her friend’s place.
i love you, a said. i want to understand you.
i don’t want to be understood.
why not, a said.
it’s like prostitution, i said. there are things i don’t understand about myself. it can scare me and it can make me humble.
i’m confused, a said.
i ravished you, i said.
yes, i liked it, a said.
not everything makes sense, i said.
i’m still confused, a said.
there was a fifty year old woman i dated who left me because she couldn’t understand me. i frustrated her. she wasn’t patient. i think of her when a and i don’t have anything to say. she said that we didn’t have to talk all the time. she was open to silence. i didn’t want to be silent with her. we started to pretend that we didn’t want anything from one another. she dyed her hair super blond when we began seeing one another. it don’t look right with her skin tone. she dyed it back to the brown and blond color with some grey in it she had when i first met her. i thought she was more beautiful when she was in her twenties while she thought she was had become better looking with age. she had a good looking seventeen year old she had compromised with an older man who had moved in with her and had used her for money. she had said that i had big balls to second guess my penis size. she was a mean alcoholic. i miss her insults. they made me laugh because they were truthful. what people can’t analyze or understand scares them. i’m scared of dying but i’m not scared of death. i will have another consciousness and not know about my other consciousness, except in dreams and memories that i can’t remember.