j is here i wonder if he has read what i wrote about him on line.
if amanda asks why i’m with a woman i’ll say she’s my friend.
if j wants to have a conversation i’ll tell him i’m not interested romantically. he doesn’t seem too sensitive.
these are uncertain times. the doc may take me off my anti depressant to
stave the high bp. he should lessen the dosage first.
i need to see other women not to be lonely if i don’t get to see amanda every week. it is hard to see her for one or two nights and then not to see her for ten days. we started telling one another that we love each other after a few days in santa fe. i said it because i needed to breathe and i felt it.
i’m digging hops today, amanda said.
they dig for hops?
the plants multiply underground.
if i don’t masturbate maybe i can manage an erection tomorrow for amanda.
i think j may be avoiding me. i hope he doesn’t think i want him. i think he thinks everyone wants him. i’m in love with a philanthropist agriculturalist. i’m interested in j’s inner life. i can see how someone may think that is inappropriate.
my mother didn’t have or want many friends. she wanted to know what was inside people.
i had the fear of stabbing someone. i have that thought when i like someone sexually.
everyday i try to make sense of my needs. every day i tell myself i’m going to die and i don’t believe it. i can only get objectivity by making shit up.
i want an happy ending and it makes me feel guilty.
my neighbors woke me this morning fucking. i hate them. they are mocking me. i’m going to vomit on them.
j is wearing his blue t-shirt. i feel like i can learn from him. he seems to be full of magic and neat ideas. i think he has roommates. he doesn’t have much money. my sister said that i don’t see the limitations in people. the thing about writing on line is that no one will admit that they read what you wrote not wanting to appear too interested in you.
i listened to coltrane and thought about murakami listening to coltrane and mccoy tyler.
how is your day, j said.
i’m getting through it.
you’re killing it.