Untitled(He was putting to words his sin and his America that is wordless and walking over it and through it like Satan did the world.)Uncategorized
I’m thinking about how moralistic the sex workers I have met can be.
You spend far too much time thinking about sex workers in general, A said.
It’s your fetish.
I can’t get hard without exchanging money. Every exchange involves money.
If there isn’t money there is no relationship. The indigent and the very poor hardly have sex.
I have been thinking for some time that the most sensible and subversive thing to do is to walk and to talk without wanting anything from anyone.
I have been reading Kerouac’s visions of Cody. He was putting to words his sin and his
America that is wordless and walking over it and through it like Satan did the world. And I don’t think he got it whatever it was that was getting away from him and never left him. The failure, what he lived in words wasn’t life, made his sadness and his universe.
Proust and Kerouac are the shit. They are easy to read like comic books.
A says I make her want to do things to me. She wants another man to rape me.
She thinks I will let her do things to me and put on airs that no one else would allow. I think her righteousness is going to get on my nerves and I’m going to insult her and lose her. I never was good at not speaking my mind, especially when what I want badly from someone is withheld.
You only care about what you want, A said. You don’t care about my needs.
A doesn’t write fiction. She writes technical writing. That will be the ruin of us.
A likes to kick nutsacks.
A wants to be a medical librarian. She likes to access medical databases. I always got lightheaded and horny when I studied.
I didn’t get far with my academic career or any career.
A cancelled our meeting.
I decided to meet someone else instead. She kicked me out when I didn’t get hard.
I think if I had paid her I would have gotten it up.
Sociopaths are loners, A said.
I’m a loner because I have the sociopath Y in my family. And he is far from a loner. He is frustrated and impotent. And he likes to hurt others to get aroused.
A is fascinated with pathologies but not interested in sexualizing madness.
A has a texting fetish. I wish she would say the alarming personal shit she says in person so that I can hold her to it and say do you realize the heavy shit you said and
what it does to someone else when you say it.