I was dismayed. I found a place to hide. I was scared. The six foot broad John Wayne shouldered woman with a wig said I would be terrified. She said I would want to find a shit hole to die. I like unseemly hide outs. I didn’t like the idea of dying in one.
I thought about my lost family and bawled.
What is going to happen to me? I’m going to get worse. I’m unable to concentrate.
I know the best thing I can do is not to ask for help, avoid charity. The female John Wayne said I would end up alone. I agreed with her. She said she had a quiet man like myself. I am the mute who scares the living. There is power in that.
The days that are peopled with symptoms scare me.
The bloated D.J. finely combs the reddish brown hair on the sides of his bald head. He wears blue Adidas sneakers and a grey t shirt with a large yellow smiley face. He has a drawn blank Dick Cheney death mask. He never says a word to anyone, it would be imprudent to engage. When a conversation insinuates itself he says I’m going to disengage. He has his life. He lives it without expending himself.
I saw the D.J. with a dark haired diminutive woman in a plaid shirt.
The D.J. looks after his mother. She has him in a double bind. She dismisses him as she solicits his love.
Jay has been seeing a fifty year old woman, Elanor who is dating a young twenty year old who looks like her twenty year old son. Jay has been dating older women to live on their disability. Elanor is ten years younger than his usual victim. She will he harder to control.
Jay has been yanking Elanor’s breasts. It agitates her. Jay likes to get her angry. He likes it when she berates him. He stays still when she redresses him.
Elanor said that she was difficult. Jay thought that she meant she had shortcomings, but what she meant was that she thought he had all the flaws. It takes everything for him not to flee or to verbally abuse her. His ears get red and blue when she gets disappointed.
When Elanor gags Jay with her large breast and calls him a misogynist he gets an erection. Jay is intent on getting her to use the word love obsessively. I love you he effusively says whenever he can. I love you I love you I love I love you.
Jay has not been defecating in my stead not as I would like. The toxicity is clouding my mind.
I eavesdropped on the dark haired woman I saw with Jay:”It’s all in her head. She thinks it’s all in her head. I’m not sure she is aware of herself. She lives in a fantasy life. Oh yeah toward the end. It’s a tough world out there. She has an ugly face. She has all these excuses not to live. He keeps poking at her. He keeps poking at her. I want the fantasy. Her idea of a man is a fantasy she made up.