i should not see b when she wants to see me. she doesn’t see me when i want to see her. i’m isolated. j is talking to the blond woman. does she have a body? i can’t tell. she has on a long jacket. i can make out a dude. the bright blob thing that i’ve been having from my bp is fucking with my vision. the young handsome man adjusts his long hair. he has a more masculine voice than i have.
his parents gave him money, the handsome man with the long hair said.
what the letters said. he would bang on the piano and he writes this stuff. he has a persona of an immortal vampire who wants to see every one dead. he debates with god. there’s an angle and a lamb. it becomes gangrenous. he’s in love with it. he died at 24. he killed himself.
i’m not hopeful about the future. i’m not hopeful about the future, i repeated. i don’t feel hope nor grace. i don’t feel grace, i repeated. i neglect my appearance, not having anyone to appear to. my eczema is unabatable. i didn’t wash my scrotum, my rectum and my foreskin. i thought about when in the day i give up and i want to be entertained.
i have my memories. it is difficult to remember a face when i want to remember it. when they appear on their own accord they are more rapture than a face.
w spent her time listening to the dreams of her students. she wrote about her students. she mostly recorded what they said about their boyfriends. she is adept and empathetic with bright and young minds. she doesn’t have patience with the withdrawn. she had a suicide for a student. she was very close with him. he was white and wanted to be a rapper. he was more suited to be a scientist or an academic. she supported his dream. she had him perform his rap songs in class. she made encouraging notes in his notebook. he jumped from the city bridge. she kept his notebook and didn’t give it to his parents. she wanted to have the exchanges they had had for herself. one blond student followed her in the hallways. she gave her advise. she made her feel special. the student didn’t want to do her school work. she only wanted to be with her. w didn’t want to take her to her house where she lived with her two teenage boys. the boys were already wary of the blond student. they had heard the rumors about her crush from other students and they didn’t believe them but they were on their guard. w felt guilty that she didn’t care what her boys thought or what anyone thought for that matter. she had had students to her house before. she played video games with them in the garage that the boys used for sleep overs. w had been left to take care of the children when her husband died. when i spent time with w i was happy and she was happy. she felt guilty that she felt happier than she had been when she was with her husband. he had a bad temper, she said. he was very controlling. he wouldn’t let me drive. he wouldn’t let me clean anything in the house. he was very critical. i worked. i have always worked. his father is a mathematician. a genius. he wrote a text book that all the schools use. he was domineerin. my husband was always high. he was tormented by his father’s expectation for him to be a genius. i almost went to live with his best friend after he died. i wanted to meet her w’s boys. i never said i did to her. i was nervous about meeting them, but they were so much a part of her that i was very curious. i never did meet them. she was very protective of them. she didn’t think i was suitable. it hurt me that she never had me over for dinner. we talked about everything. i think i disclosed things that had her second guess my character.