Untitled( in a truffaut film a teenage boy and his teenage friend see his mother kissing a man he has never seen before. the mother sees the boys and doesn’t see them when they disappear in the crowd.)Uncategorized
when amanda asks you if you have been seeing someone else it means that she has been seeing someone else. she has the thoughts what if he knows i have been talking to someone else; what if someone he knows saw me with him and told him about it; and what if he read the texts on my phone.
she saw me before the dinner not wanting to wait till later. she left for it at 6. she said she would be back at nine. at ten i was angry and paranoid. i texted her. she said that she was sorry for not texting me and said that she would be at my place shortly. i’m not convinced she would have come back to my place that night had i not texted.
were you waiting for me long baby, amanda said. mommy loves you baby.
oh, mommy, i said. i was waiting forever. i thought you were never coming back.
amanda gave me her left breast. i masturbated with my left hand. she masturbated, stuck her fingers in her vagina, and then into my mouth. her thigh was . she pushed my head down with her two hands. i looked for her mouth and eyes.
good boy, amanda said.
yes mommy, i said. yes yes.
i worry, amanda said.
she lay on her belly her face turned to me. i touched her white back and its moles and very white and pink scars from melanoma removal. i loved her intensely. i wanted to give her peace, the same peace she gives me.
i wanted to give her enough money and time so that she doesn’t leave me for someone else who will give her what she wants.
in a truffaut film a teenage boy and his teenage friend see his mother kissing a man he has never seen before. the mother sees the boys and doesn’t see them when they disappear in the crowd.
in a hitchcock film a woman stabs a man in the stomach.
adara caned me. i screamed and moaned. hitchcock, the owner of the brown vehicle in front of the brown house was doing the dishes upstairs. he had an anglo smile. i had seen him before but i didn’t know where. he looked implacable on the left side. he looked insouciant three quarters on the right side. he had some of his day left. he wanted to get some things done and started by night fall. he was jealous of his adara, his sister. he wanted to sleep with her. he didn’t want other men to sleep with her. he wanted to be buried next to his sister. he slept with another woman who didn’t look like his sister so that he didn’t have to think about her. he killed the man who kept her.
adara was half syrian, she was 29 years old.
i’m a sadist, adara said.
interesting, i said. tell me about that. do you like to hurt someone more than what they can take?
no it has to be consensual, adara said. you don’t want to go down that road.
i had adara’s foot in my mouth. when i looked up her calves and saw her vagina i began to suck on her foot.
first i wanted to prove to her how tough i was. then, i told her i couldn’t take it, that i had reached my limit. then, i started pleading with her to hurt me because it made me feel liberated.
adara smacked me with an object. the pain was severe. if i would have felt it one more time i would have fainted.
awareness of too much pain made me tired. awareness of no pain or pressure and i was disabused.
you look like you can use some motivation, a said.
yeah, i said.
when you don’t act it is easy for them to kill you, hitchcock said.
hitchcock looks like hitchcock the great filmmaker, some even say he is the hitchcock, the great filmmaker. i don’t think he looks anything like hitchcock.
there’s a crazy man in the park killing children, hitchcock said. he rapes them. he likes to see them die slowly. he uses a knife. they say he is the catholic church.
amanda had a migraine for four days. she doesn’t want to take medication for it. she vomited and had diarrhea on saturday. she didn’t tell me. i thought she was disappointed in me when she was nauseous. i masturbated to her closed eyes, open mouth, and still tongue when she had a migraine. she went to a fundraiser in a large food storage freezer in downtown portland. she wore a dress. it was the first time i saw her in one. she talked to middle aged couples who were retooling their lives. they wanted to atone for the monies they made at the expense of the environment. they wanted to invest in new food systems. we went out for a drink. she wanted to talk and she wanted for me to listen. i was doubtful but then completely taken in. the more she talked the more she looked like tippi hedren.