i haven’t cleaned my clothes for so long. i need to take a shower. it seems to take forever to wash myself. there are so many facets i have to tend to: my teeth, my anus, my penis, my armpits, my face. i have been drying myself with the same grey towel for the past year and a half. it has my dead skin on it so why bother cleaning it? no one else has to use it. i looked at c. she may have seen me looking or not. i saw her bf. they look good. what was the book i finished before i went back to murakami? it was bellamy’s book about threading sutras. the heinous things that are done to children in the cult. there was one scene she recounts a rape that was too fictionalized or shouldn’t have been fictionalized. she admits her knowledge is general. she spends her time writing not specializing in one area of knowledge. i have a quiche at piespot, coffee, and lemonade. i’ll go to providore later to get a meat sandwich, three tomatoes, and an avocado and mineral water in a green glass bottle from an east european country. the women at the counters are alert and primped. one married woman with black hair is great looking. a slight woman at the cashier has a phd in rhetoric. i’m boorish and say whatever i’m thinking. i’m dizzy and i don’t know what i have done with myself or what i’m going to do with myself. i have been waiting for two days for a porn video to download, venus has a gorgeous nine inch cock. suck it venus say to me. make it wet. i’m going to shoot a load into your pretty mouth. i’m going to fuck your hole so hard it will bleed. i’m going to piss on you. come on cum for me baby. where do you live baby. in portland? when i come to portland are you going to meet me at the hotel? yeah? motherfucker. good boy. take it for me. all nine inches. i have a big cock.
i’m going out for chinese food downtown with h. they have the best hot and sour soup. i wish i could have a drink but i’m on penicillin. i wasn’t expecting her to take me there. i haven’t seen her for some time. she left me for someone else or to clear her life. she may be with another man she met on the road when she travels for work. she probably has had sex with another man. she wants more than sex. she wants a family. she may think she doesn’t want one but she does. i’m skeptical when a woman in her early thirties says she doesn’t care if she doesn’t have a child. she thinks there are things about me that are difficult. as long as i don’t think about never being able to kiss her i should be fine. i don’t do well with absolutes. i like her thighs and torso. she doesn’t shave her vagina. the question is: is her will equal to my stubbornness? if there is no in fighting, if she stays on the outside when she throws her punches, she can dominate me. on the inside it gets murky and no one stands a chance. she’s good at countering. she slips in and out of range.i saw sugar ray leonard fight in one of his late fights on show time against a young up and comer. i was moved by leonard. i hadn’t seen him fight in such a long time. he had on black shorts and black shoes. he was as alert as i had remembered him, the electric intelligence that sparkles his lithe body. the younger boxer moved in and out connecting a straight right punch to leonard’s temple. i wanted to know and see more of the footwork. i considered the great boxer outside of the ring; his life, his sexuality, and his ancestry. he finished the fight even though he had been badly hurt. i thought i should collect footage of all the great and not so great fighters’ last fight. i didn’t understand why showtime would show such an ugly fight. one of the trainers in leonard’s corner had his hand on his head, the other trainer had a hand on his shoulder and face.