I didn’t want to talk to Susan. She was nineteen. She had been sexually abused by her father as a child. She was happy she was seeing him and that he had promised to buy her a new phone. I felt guilty talking to someone with a childhood as fucked up as mine. Sometimes I got a bad headache and had to vomit talking to her. She sent me an image of herself in her room naked with her mouth wide open.
I stuck my tongue in Susan’s bumhole.
Do you think less of me, I said.
No, she said. Why would I?
I’m translating Dante Inferno using the urban dictionary, I said.
I was addicted to shemale porn. I thought about the woman’s face and his dick in my mouth.
I had a feeling Susan wanted to prove to herself that men are bad.
I was waiting for the sad moment when she decided I was a piece of shit.
My doc said that she needed therapy for a long time and that I shouldn’t hurt her. I knew
I would hurt her because I hurt myself and I knew the doc knew this and probably didn’t care who I hurt.
I hate everyone, Susan said. Older guys are fun but stupid. They’re too nurturing. I don’t want you to wash my feet or brush my hair.
You know hot to break a man down, I said.
You are beautiful, I said. You are pure poetry.
I cut my hair, Susan said. It looks ridiculous.
Your hair is a micro wave, I said.
I don’t want to be loved, Susan said. It’s too hard and I just want to be fun.
I made a drawing of a girl eating her hair, I said.
You should make a video of yourself brushing your hair and put it on you tube, I said.
I don’t want that many people cumming over me, she said.
I have big hands, I said. Great for grabbing ball sacks.
I wish you could drop ash on my forehead, I said.
I’d love that, Susan said.
I’d smear it into a cross then tell you it’s not Ash Wednesday and tell you you’re a fucking idiot, Susan said.
Thank you you have made me so happy I feel like crying, I said.
Why, Susan said.
Kiss me, Susan said.
Just kidding, Susan said.
I love it when Susan is mean, but I don’t want to use her to be mean to me.
Have you ever been peed on, Susan said. I’ve never peed on someone. I said I’ve never peed on