…IT WAS MADE INTO AN INDIE MOVIE STARRING MICHAEL CERA.
You know the kind of film I’m talking about. It’s cute and quirky and there’s a love story and all the characters are so awkward and cute. Gosh. It’s like my life. And actually I don’t think that Michael Cera could portray me on screen, mostly because I don’t think that he can grow a beard. Not enough testosterone in the womb or something. Tragic. Actually, shit, it’s cinema, I’m sure the producers of this movie can ‘movie magic’ a beard onto his face. Maybe they could get someone who actually looks like me sort of. Like Eric Christian Olsen. Haha, I wish. Maybe I could just play myself. I’ve acted before, but that would mean I’d have to audition to be myself, and I don’t think anyone wants to open that can of existential worms. Anyway, here are the songs on that soundtrack.
1. OPENING CREDITS
STRANGE POWERS – THE MAGNETIC FIELDS
So the movie opens. Probably first with shots of the inside and outside of my apartment. Pictures on the walls and records in a milk crate, you know, stuff that shows how hip and indie I am. Because this is a goddamn indie film. This song, Strange Powers, will set the tone for the whole movie. It’s light-hearted, quixotic, and there’s probably going to be a love story. Also, the more observant watchers of the movie will hear the line “When we kiss it feels like a flying saucer landing.” And then they’ll be like, oh, that made sense because the main character (me) is like obsessed with UFOs and awkwardly talks about them all the time!
2. ESTABLISHING A LOVE INTEREST / ROMANTIC MONTAGE
HOW SWEET IT IS – KAREN DALTON
Yep. It’s a cover. By a somewhat obscure folksy singer from the 60’s/70’s. There’s one of those in like every indie movie, have you noticed? A weird cover of a famous song undoubtedly appears, like that movie with Jesse Eisenberg that had that decidedly spooky cover of Creep by Radiohead. Anyway, at the beginning of the movie I probably met some kind of hipstery, enigmatic female who makes me feel all tingly and twitterpated and whatnot. Anyway, this scene is so cute which really contrasts which what’s to come, you know, the inevitable
CITY MIDDLE – THE NATIONAL
This is another thing that indie movies seem to do. A lesser known song of a fairly established band. I happen to really like this song also, but it’d probably play while I wander the doldrums of a singularly lonely and soul-crushing day. In fact, this would probably be shot in black and white just so the viewer would have absolutely no doubt that something bad is happening. Maybe the stress of my job finally got to me, maybe my advances on the otherwise lovely indie chick have gone horribly awry. Anyway, enjoy watching me drink away my sorrows in black and white. Feel sorry for me!
4. THE TURNING POINT
IF I COULD ONLY FLY – BLAZE FOLEY
Yeah, this movie went there. It pulled this artist directly out of its ass (easy to do since its head is already so far up there). It put this song in there just to make sure you knew that it knows more about music than you do. But it suits the mood, so you let it go. So now I’ve gotten out of my funk, still feeling blue, but I’m starting to move on or do things better or something. Who knows. Anyway, this part culminates in
5. THE “RESOLUTION”
CANNONBALL – DAMIEN RICE
The way I see this going down, is that probably my character in this movie would be playing this song at a café somewhere, and that cool chick that I was super into from before is probably there. Anyway, they’d probably make eyes at each other, and well, the song says it all. “There’s still a little bit of your words / I long to hear.”
6. CLOSING CREDITS
FOLLOW YOU, FOLLOW ME – RED HOUSE PAINTERS
Since this is an indie movie and not a romantic comedy, it’s probably left fairly open ended. So the credits will probably roll right after that last lingering glance, or an uncomfortable exchange of ‘hellos.’ Anyway, the movie is condescending to you again by playing a beautiful acoustic version of a famous Genesis song by the kings of slowcore themselves, Red House Painters. Which basically sounds like if the Genesis version of the song fell into a deep sleep and started dreaming about something super sad.
I don’t know if it’s just me who sometimes thinks that if someone made a movie about my life it’d be super duper good, but that’s probably just because I’m a Leo and prone to narcissistic ideation. In reality, a movie about my life would be dreadfully boring. If I’m gonna win any film festivals, I’m going to have to dress it up “A Million Little Pieces” style and then Oprah will probably yell at me. Which is the subject of my worst nightmares. Hey, that should probably be in the movie. Also there’s that other dream where Darth Vader chases me into a truck stop bathroom and then drowns me in the sink. I had that dream while I fell asleep during Russian Lit class once. That should probably be in the movie too.
See you next time, when I do “Six Songs that appear on the soundtrack to my life if it was a Romantic Comedy. Starring Hugh Grant.”