Communicating is like driving: you get some lessons, you get tested a couple of times, and you get a little piece of paper that says you’re competent. Then you’re released into the wild, and in no time, you replace everything they taught you with a collection of shortcuts and bad habits.

The difference between communicating and driving is that the cops will arrest you if you run down pedestrians and drive 100 through school zones. But if you do a hit-and-run on the language, there’s no one to stop you.

Well that’s all changed. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he don’t take too kindly to your pryin’ & jimmyin’ his beloved lexicon. He’s laying down the law, starting with these 5 outlawed words.

Outlawed Word #1: “Value-Add”

Example of illegal phrase:

“This two-handed spatula is a major value-add for our meat inversion operations.”

Reason for prohibition:

First off, it sounds stupid. Saying that X or Y is a “value-add” makes no more sense than saying your colon is a “crap-add”. Second, you could have just said that the damned spatula is better than the old one.

Penalty for use:

Jersey Shore marathon.

Outlawed Word #2: “Dialogue” (used as a verb)

Example of illegal phrase:

“We need to dialogue with the shipping department regarding our new labels.”

Reason for prohibition:

It’s only used to make boring discussions sound more interesting. The test: if you met with Nelson Mandela, would you tell everyone that you “dialogued” with him? (It’s a trick question: if you wouldn’t you’re guilty; if you would, you are even guiltier).

Penalty for use:

Listen to Vanilla Ice’s autobiography audiobook.

Outlawed Word #3: “Synergy”

Example of illegal phrase:

“Fixies Inc. and Vice Magazine can partner to create powerful synergies that will reach deep into the hipster market.”

Reason for prohibition:

What is this supposed to mean? Oh, you meant to say that your companies can work well together? Good thing you didn’t say that!

Penalty for use:

Picnic with Tom Cruise.

Outlawed Word #4: “Efficiencies”

Example of illegal phrase:

“By locating the muffin tray proximate to the cash register, we were able to create multiple efficiencies in our point-of-sale foodstuffs operations.”

Reason for prohibition:

Wait, efficiencies? Is “an efficiency” a thing? If it is, it must look just like me cradling my bleeding ears. Can’t something just be efficient?

Penalty for use:

Make a life-sized papier-mache statue of John Goodman using your own saliva as wetting agent.

Outlawed Word #5: “Myself”

Example of illegal phrase:

“Please send myself a rundown of your action items.”

Reason for prohibition:

If you feel so bad about yourself that you think the words “me” or “I” will belittle you, using “myself” isn’t going to help you.

Penalty for use:

Banishment to the realm of wind and ghosts.

Remember: the days of nutpunching the language are over. Learn your your, you’re, and yore. Because if you don’t, someone’s gonna make sure you shut yer word hole.