I’m writing this letter on behalf of all the people who are in a rush, and end up being late because we get stuck behind you at our favourite coffee dispensing establishment…

First, I would like to ask that you think of others when purchasing a coffee, or even just when you are in a coffee shop. Not everyone cares whether their coffee is made of 100% Arabica beans and then hand ground with the hoof of a unicorn (because it is common knowledge that unicorn hoofs are needed for a truly great blend)…Most people just want something to wake them up so they can concentrate on their miserable jobs, just enough to not get fired and end up living in a cardboard box under the freeway.

It’s surprisingly roomy in here…

So I’m asking that, if you feel the need to blurt out your knowledge of coffee to someone, look for a fellow coffee snob to share it with. (You can usually find them by looking for the other people with those stupid Bluetooth ear pieces, making them look way more important than they actually are). Instead of just announcing it for regular people to hear…

I love drinking coffee, and certainly enjoy a good, tasty brew more than a cup of brown shit water, but you snobs drive me crazy!

I see more and more Coffee Snobs becoming similar to what I call “Brew Snobs,” people who analyze the different kinds of beers or liquors they drink, and make you feel inferior because you bought cheap beer or didn’t spend at least a hundred dollars on a bottle of scotch…And this is something that needs to end. I’ve been telling Brew Snobs this for a while and it works for you Coffee Snobs too…Its okay to have your personal preference, I certainly have mine, but don’t preach yours to me or anyone (Geez, I could really be talking about religion right now…)…In the end it all gets you drunk, or gives you the caffeine you need, so shut your pie hole before I throw this bottle of Canadian Club at your face! (It may be cheap whiskey, but I’ll bet after I hit you with the bottle, you won’t even be able to tell the difference).

Mr. Face…Meet Mr. Bottle…

I have no idea when this Coffee Snobbery started, I think it’s partially the retailer’s fault, because they’ve gone and made coffee so damn complicated these days. Back in the day, I’d bet dollars to donuts (mmm donuts!), that no one ever had to stand in line for a cup of Joe, while waiting for assholes in from of them, who order things they pretend are coffee.

“I’ll have a grandé-double blorgin-frap-mocha half calf-chai-latte with no foam…And just a sprinkle of pixie dust”

Not once did they say the word “coffee”…So who the hell knows what they just got…Maybe that’s just code, or a fancy way of saying “I’d like a cup of hot moose piss”…I have no idea because I’m simply just not fluent in douche bag…(Do you think Google Translate will ever come out with a “Douche Bag to English” converter?)

I would also like to take this opportunity to address something that’s almost on the opposite end of the spectrum from the Coffee Snobs…Coffee Wannabes…

These are the people who clearly just want to fit in with the coffee-crowd/caffeine-collective (coffee drinkers love their alliterations) because they order insane coffees! I have actually been behind someone who ordered a large Tim Hortons coffee with three sugars and four cream, and another who ordered a medium triple/triple (for you non-Canadians…That’s three cream and three sugar). If you’re putting that much cream and sugar in a medium …Where the hell do you put the coffee? You’re just drinking sugary cream, clearly you don’t like coffee…So order something else…Tea has caffeine in it…So stick to that until you grow some nards (or metaphorical nards for you ladies…Meta-nards).

The long and short of it is that no one cares how much you know about coffee, all we care about is that we get our daily caffeine so when we’re driving into work we don’t fall asleep, hit another car and kill some poor woman’s baby…That’s what you Coffee Snobs are potentially doing…You’re killing babies…

So stop killing babies, get out of my face…And get on with your obviously empty life…

Yours on the edge (because I’ve been waiting in line behind you too long for my coffee),

Kyle