Untitled( i wanted to be with her forever and yet it depressed me that i wouldn’t be with anyone else)Uncategorized
j had a tooth ache. he went to the dentist. they said there wasn’t anything wrong with his teeth. his mouth was hurting from something else. they sent him to a specialist. he had a tumor. he was in intensive care for six days. he survived. he has a long scar on his arm from the operation. he looks so healthy and happy. it is the beginning of his weekend shift. he is working with the very skinny woman.
i’m never going to find d. i thought i rediscovered her in g. g has the same
green eyes, that sometimes look colorless, as d. her mouth pulls down like d’s, except on the right side not the left, how it does with d. she’s very tall like d, maybe an inch shorter. i get confused at times mistaking g for d, even calling her d. d left me for a woman. she used to say that i was more into men than women and that she couldn’t be with a homosexual. i had been with two men before i fell for d. i wanted to be with her forever and yet it depressed me that i wouldn’t be with anyone else. i think d sensed this and went with h who was an art grad student. h is a pretty masochist who insulted d when the sex wasn’t rough. she had eczema on her wrists and elbows. she was turkish and german and jewish. her mother was a turkish artist. she was submissive. she liked to be choked and to be gagged. she also choked herself when she was extremely frustrated. it was something she used to do when she was a teenager in front of the bathroom mirror when she had excused herself from the dinner table and started doing it again when her mother died from cancer. she hated her mother for neglecting her for her art and travel. h’s german father gave her whatever she wanted. she had all the thick artist catalogues she thought were important to know about. for her thesis she made videos of men masturbating. she was in the room with the men who had answered an ad she had put in the village voice and told them to look into the camera and not at her. d wasn’t there when she recorded the men. she wanted to be there but h thought it was dangerous. h simply didn’t want her to be a part of the project. i hated h for having a hold on d. i wanted to fuck her senseless. i liked her black hair and her straight nose and her insecurity. i didn’t think she would get anywhere with her art but she did. recently she was interviewed by a woman writer for bomb magazine.
i haven’t seen g for a week. she left me without telling me where she went.
she’s tired of living with my ghosts. when i asked her not to choke me she was upset that she wasn’t as kinky as d. are you into me g said. i’m really into you, i said.
i feel bad that i cant make you come, g said.
i came the last time, i said. i don’t always have to come. it’s boring. it’s only a release.
that’s not true, said g.
i do want to fuck you i said. i don’t think you want to fuck because i have a social disease. if you don’t want to have intercourse i’m going to sense it and i’m not going to get hard.
i’m vanilla g said.
what is vanilla, i said. at this point i find intercourse kinky.
shut the fuck up g said. she thrust two fingers in my asshole and held her hand over my mouth.
shut the fuck up, g said. you bitch. you breathe when i say you can breathe. you got that?
yeah, i said.